A poems I wrote that I thought could be universal emotions.

Wilted

It's as if for every breath I take

another piece of my heart

has gone missing

Each day I endure my bleeding wound

I remember

how unforgiving life as suddenly become

and I shed another petal 

Once again

life has proven non-existent 

the sweet aroma that used to follow

fades, as I am wilting

My vibrant color turns black

I hold in my hands the truest of secrets

I am a rose without water

parched in my judgement

But hands clasp my abused emotion

ever so gently now

for I have lost myself

and it is so obvious

as silence swallows me

and I fade into this world

gone forever

wilted

Alone

The emptiness of my condemned life has taken abroad my cringing soul

I am without love 

and a simplicity of space

I feel as though I deserve nothing

 no care

no tears

no feeling

After all, what am I 

but a worthless

annoying 

fly

Who is unwanted

and unheard

with a journey of life that goes by unnoticed

I will have left no proof that I existed

other than the quickly forgotten buzz

that was never enjoyed

I have not a purpose 

but to please

that is all that will become of me

A servant of a supposed lover

an emotionless roller coaster

an endless lie

I will see it every day

subtle but it is there

in their eyes

The undetected whispers

the silence that comes 

when I scurry into a glowing room

that without a doubt

becomes as soulless 

as me

Alright so to be honest my shades hold back my tears, when life becomes to much. When thinness is my only savior and when love becomes a responsibility. When all that could be of me has morphed into uselessness. My shades become my cover. 

I've been trying to tell you more about me, or at least I've been thinking about different ways I could try and explain my E.D. I know I am bulimic, there is no way to skip around that subject because when you are sticking your fingers down your throat on a day to day basis. Training yourself to do it without having to gag yourself. You undeniably have a problem. I feel like I've stopped that though, for the most part anyway.. I had to stop at least that. I couldn't help but feel terrible when my little brother came in my bathroom and said "Sam please stop your skinny enough.." I replied with "I don't know what you are talking about I was just going to the bathroom." Even though I so obviously reeked of puke. Chris then said to me "Sam I'm 11 I'm not stupid, I could hear you. Please just stop.." In that moment my heart sank, and I didn't know what to say. I just kept denying that there was anything wrong in the first place. I mean I stopped for a while I did, but again there is no denying that Mia is, and will forever be a part of me.

I feel terrible about that and I then  have my alter ego ANA/MIA whoever, whatever you want to call it. Squash  my personality, my thoughts into the corner of my brain. Sometimes there is that part of me that is really me and fights back. Other times that part of me just shrivels into it's her little corner. In my mind the 3 people live in my head each have spots where they belong, little apartments or places to be to have control of. "Sam" my personality, is kept or squashed into the very bottom of the front right part of my head. Mia, a fairly quiet part of my mind but still present, lives in a small part of the front left part of my head. Ana she usually overpowers the other two and lives in the back left as well as the middle. Although she usually extends to any part she wants really. In my mind she argues with the other two, or partners with Mia.  Never with Sam though.. The only part of my mind that is vacant right now is the back right side, and I think that's where my instinct is at I'm really not sure of anything though. Life is so confusing, a daily struggle inside my head. Do you guys have alter ego's as literal as mine are? Do yours have conversations out loud the way mine do? In the mirror? Or maybe just when you are sitting down? Somebody please comment and let me know this is as normal as an eating disorder gets? I know eating disorders aren't normal but, I'd like to know that I'm a little normal..

Let me know what you thought of the poetry please. <3 Samantha