136.6lbs.

Today I am 3lbs lighter than I was yesterday which is surprising, I really didn't expect more than a half pound of weight loss, especially because I cheated later on in the day with cookies. I wasn't exactly sure how to go about this diet at all. but I do know I made some great progress and said no to bad foods several times. I'm really excited about this diet and hope I can stay motivated to do it. I have a secret to tell you guys.. I got so big that my pants started to rip... in the thigh. I have no more pants to wear. I need to go shopping but I don't want to go when I just started my diet. In case I manage to lose a good amount of weight on this. My mom said it really works but when she stayed on it she lost hair because it was so hard! I want to lose 22lbs from where i am today it may take a few months but I'm still motivated and ready to work so we shall see.

<3 Samantha

she started 4lbs heavier than me and ended at my gw, she also is the same height.. 5'5"

Adkins. 139.6 HW..

So my mother, my wonderfully crazy mom flipped the fuck out at  me? I don't understand. I decided that I was doing Adkins with her because we've both agreed I need to lose weight. So I go in the kitchen and start making eggs and she says some bitchy comment about how I make them. In order to avoid any and all confrontation I decide to not make the food so i don't have to put up with this BS. Well because I didn't want to go through it she yelled at me for twenty minutes! Sat there and called me a bitchy hag (who the hell says hag) although that's not the point really. The point is that I can't even get a pan out without being told how stupid I am? I just don't get it. I a not a confrontational person and when people flip the fuck out like that for no reason its sort of scary i mean how in the hell is she still married if thats the way she wants to act.. I Don't get it.

Anyway starting the Adkins diet, no bread or sugar at all. I'm stuck with 20carbs a day which is virtually nothing and can be considered a crash diet, but I'm making it a life choice. The problem I'm going to have with today is before I decided I was starting a diet today I decided to have starbucks and by the rules of this diet you get 20carbs a day. Guess how many carbs are in Starbucks, guess. Alright its 46.5 the one that I had it was a skinny cinnomon dolce latte with soy lol. So now I'm ruined for the day I may have eggs later if my mom isnt such a bitch about it.

<3 whatever Samantha
 special shout out to -kes- thank you so much I really think your right

Soul sick.

I was being a Facebook stalker (because I'm a stupid loner) and I was looking at my ex boyfriends page. While I was on there, I saw that he took some girl to one of his dances. He refused to take, or let me go to dances. I wanted to scream! I missed out on important parts of my life to spend time with him and he does this! It's not like I'm dating him but he always said things like "dances are stupid, and a waste of money and time." I didn't know any better because of course I'd never been. Why? He wouldn't let me. It's been months since we've been together, over six months. I really have no reason to be outraged I just.. I feel betrayed. I loved him but he was just bad for me. Right now I'm trying to come to peace with our break up and trying to figure out why it was so unhealthy. I keep wanting to say "we" as if the two of us were still a couple. I want to move on. I've had sex since then. Meaningless sex but still sex. I've made out with other people. I've had a bit of a life since we broke up but it's all been meaningless. I need somebody there for me again. Not him, not like him. But men are scary I say this with the following in mind.. Men are sexy plain and simple. They are! But if their too strong physically they can do terrible things and make you do things your completely against. Or even make you do them out of fear.. Now if their mentally strong they can do the same thing very easily! Only with their mind. You follow? But the worst is when you love them and it happens. They abuse your love. I feel like that's what I have. Nothing. Just the debris left over from ground zero and I'm lying there underneath the ruble screaming for somebody to help for somebody to fix me. For somebody to save me from my life, but they aren't coming nobody is coming.. I'm stuck and my only way out is death. Figuratively. SO does this mean it's time for me to go through a sort of metamorphosis? Grow my own wings and fly out of the ruble into the sky, and find my potential. My confidence. My reason to be.

Oh, Gosh!

Linny, I think your right about the white letters. I never really noticed it too much because I'm not often looking at the actual page. Most of the time I'm on my dashboard. LOL. I think i'm going to have to look into a new style. But I have to write up the codes and everything for my new background. If anybody else has an idea about the page style format, or music. Let me know. Oh and if you know any thinspo music other than the song paper bag. i love that song but everybody uses it. It's boring. Also I'm thinking of redoing the thinspo page changing all the pictures, another thing I was thinking about was the trigger page. I kind of feel bad about that. SO I may look for some things without peoples faces or maybe just replace the entire page. Let me know what you think and anything you would like to see on my pages.
SO you know how I'm doing the ABC diet, well I did really well yesterday but today I forgot to weigh before i drank my coffee. I'm such an idiot so I'll weigh tomorrow! I'm hoping for 132, I have a party to go to tonight but I'm going to try as hard as i can to avoid it. Maybe say I'm just not in the mood for the cookies and candy and all that yucky stuff. I'm still having trouble with the whole say no to drugs issue, so if anybody has tips leme know!. ALSO I got a water bottttle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 EEEK it has a straw and it's purple and it's curved almost like it has a waist lol it's incentive to me! Oh I'm going to update my measurements next wednesday. I've been putting plastic wrap around my waist everyday in hopes that it makes it just a little but smaller. I feel like it's working but we shall see. Oh I put up the measurements of my body on the "mystats" page yesterday as well as a sort of guess at my weight and  a BMI. One last thing! Will you ladies please if you have a blog will you post the URL to mine on it? I'll return the favor just let me know who's done it. Oh and if you would like to submit anyof your favorite thinspo to see on my thinspo page then email it to me at sam.bell1@live.com   thanks so much!

<3 Samantha

I'm thinking about a re-design, also starting ABC

So, I'm going to start with ABC. All I know, even if I never finish ABC is I can do it one day at a time. I know it works because I've lost weight on it before and I know I could use the structure. All I have to do is stay sober! I just need to figure out how to do that..  I realized I get depressed and eat my feelings then realize what I've done and stop eating. But when i stop eating i need a mind altering thing to help me. I get high or buy drugs for it.. I then eat because I'm always thinking about food. I just have to distract myself. Stop talking to the people I get high with although I'm finding it very difficult to do. I can.
I want your opinion, should I re-design my site? Did you ladies like when I took the music off or do you think I should put it back? Do you want me to add new tabs with new things? I will update no matter what but i really want your opinion. After all this isn't only for me it's for you as well! So should i change the background to something a little more Ana related? I thought at first it would be a good idea because life is like one long road, and I thought that it symbolized taking you along for the trip. Go ahead and tell me what you think!
Oh, I'm going to go ahead and catch up on your blogs as much as I can. I used to read them everyday I just haven't felt the best about myself. I realized when I don't weigh in the morning and don't act as part of this community everyday I have a lot of trouble staying on track.
I'm mentally addicted to weed. Somebody please give me tips to quitting I don't know how to say no..

<3 PLEASE COMMENT! Samantha

What do these pictures mean to you? I'll talk about them in the next blog.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

constipation. 134

My sides are so sore I'm trying so hard to lose weight it's just not working, im not even hungry today. I can't finish my food because everything smells discusting. Not exactly anything wrong with that. I really need to work on losing anyway. My mom gave me some of her diet pills so I can do the duty lol. This sucks, I try and lose weight for my cheer stuff and then I gain it all back. I need this. I hate myself. Sometimes I try and act like I don't have an E.D. but I do. Every time I eat I want to hurt myself. I am so sick of being fat. SO I heard that this rolling pin thing makes cellulite go away and that sounds cool so I'm going to try that along with plastic wrap around my problem areas and see if it works. I'm curious to see. I'm also adding cotton balls into my regular regimen because those have always worked. I decided that while the Ritilin works with focus, my mind is always focused on food and so I eat because I am always focused on it. My mind is better on its own when i can be in control. Did I ever explain to you how my mind is divided? Into three parts, three people. I can't explain it never mind, but if any of you happen to understand then please let me know. I'm very happy today even though it may not seem like it. I'm sorry for my lack of posting but I'm not to motivated.

<3 Samantha

Love your comments!

Okay ladies, I have a good reason for not posting on Monday and Tuesday. Well Monday not really.. Anyway Monday I unfortunately got high. Bad Sam, then yesterday I got my Ritalin from my dealer wanted to test it out and see how that curbed my appetite, it didn't. So I ordered some adderal but I have to pay for it so it may be some time before I actually get it. So anyway I'm 134 again. It's going to take some serious work to get back down. I obviously won't have lost 10 pounds this week. I'm so angry with myself! It's okay though because it's not too late for me to still be around 115 by Christmas. I Just need to take it one day at a time ya know? I was standing in the mirror last night just talking to myself reminding myself how I look, how terrible I look. I took some before pictures and I want to have some after pictures. At 120 I'm going to post afters and then if, and when I get below my ATL. I'll post pics every 5 pounds after 120. Gosh I'm so ready to be small I can barely fit into any of my clothes anymore I'm so fat I always wear sweats and huge T-shirts because I'm getting really big... I want to be really small! Today I've taken 1/2 of one of the Ritalin, I figured since I have them I may as well take it  lol. I've taken my normal Lamotrigine for my epilepsy. Had a sip of coffee and its 12:07 here. I have a stomach ache so I'm really not hungry but I am focused. I don't have a lot to say but I love ya'll have fun and try not to eat darlings!

<3 Samantha

Ready set, fuck.

Like I thought i was forced to eat. I wanted to purge so bad but couldn't. I managed to hit the gym for 45 minutes and burn 400 cals so that was good but I had to eat on the way to Florida, in Florida, and when I got home from Florida. Oh, by the way we placed third. Our music cut off in the middle of the routine and we had to start over because the judges weren't paying attention. Whatever no the point i am going to work out in my room when I'm done with this post. I won't weigh until tomorrow i'm going to cross my fingers and hope for 130? OH GOD. I'm ruined i am so fat! I did flush some of the food I had to eat down the toilet and thats good. I'm going to guess i had 3,000 calories this weekend. Maybe 2,500 I hope. Oh my gosh I am going to have to work out so much tonight to burn this off. I did walk around a lot and work out this weekend but i don't think I lost weight at all, I may even have gained some so sad isn't it!. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I think I'm going to go ahead and try to ppost the routine some time but no promises

<3 work hard I'll post tomorrow! Samantha

Yesterday I guess I was 131.8 sad but today i am 130.2.

I'm sort of, well really upset that I'm not under 130 yet. I really wanted to be and now I just, I can't handle this i have to go on stage tomorrow and I really don't want to embarrass myself! So scared but not really because I feel like I'll mess up. I'm scared because i feel like i'm going to stand on stage and get moo'd at I feel like when i go to Florida I will get judged because  I'm way bigger than everybody else. I've realized i can't exactly be 125 tomorrow the way I would love to be. I wonder if that was even possible? I still plan on trying to lose two pounds tonight. Anyway, this week I'm making my Christmas goal just a little bit harder. A friend and I are trying to lose ten pounds this week instead of just 7. I am aware I'll have to fast this week so I'm going to go ahead and try to pick Monday, Tuesday, and maybe Sunday? I'm not sure lol. I will be 120, I know i set ridiculous goals all the time but this seems a bit more plausible. All week I'm still going to be aiming for the pound a day yet working for a little more than that. If I lose 1 1/2 pounds 6 of the seven days this week i can do it. It sounds really hard too but it's possible. Today I'm going to get my nails done. I'm going to walk there. It's a three mile walk to the salon, and a three mile walk back. That should waste some time right hahah. I want to lose the .2 on the 130 today and get below it. Gosh I'm just rambling on and on and on. Sorry okay, well here's some thinspo!  

<3 Samantha

 

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!!

Today I'm hoping I'll lose more. I'm hoping I'll have more control I'm hoping I'll be in the 120's again. I miss the 120's I've gained some serious weight and it wasn't just water weight it was fat. I'm glad I'm doing this again. I am 130.8lbs this morning I think. Well my scale kept doing the oddest thing, it would change back and forth between 130.8 and 131.8. I'm really scared because I may have only lost a half pound, or I could have lost a pound and a half. I'm worried i really am. Just to make sure I'm going to do some extra work outs today on top of cheer, I know it's going to be excruciating but it's going to be worth it. We just have to see. I'm so worried about this weekend I'm going to Florida for my competition, I live in Louisiana. Florida will be so fun, and I'm almost positive we are going to place as long as we don't do something really stupid like drop a stunt. Oh gosh.. We can do this we can. There will be first, second, and third place and there are 4 teams competing in my division so as long as we don't screw up majorly we'll be alright. I've decided I am eating breakfast that morning and i won't be able to weigh unless the hotel has a scale. I'm pretty sure it does but just in case not to mention I don't really trust any scale but my own, but I can't even trust that one. I plan to come home Sunday and blog Monday morning because that's my annual weigh in time. I refuse to weigh after I eat or drink anything. Are ya'll losing your pounds? This isn't supposed to just be me it's supposed to be all of us ladies! We can do this! 25lbs by Christmas no excuses, we don't need any diet pills, or cotton balls. We don't need to fast if we don't want to. Honestly I think this is a healthy diet well as healthy as you can be when you have an E.D. If you planned on gaining weight this holiday season think again you will not be the statistic and neither will I. Like I said yesterday we aren't going to have to set a new years resolution to lose 25 pounds because we will have already done it!!!

<3 Samantha

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!