I thought I would show you my fat cheer uniform.

Problem Areas?

Quick question!

I'm just curious but how many of you actually live in the U.S.? I was reading some of your blogs, and realized a lot of you are on an entirely different continent! So now I"m thinking.. How did you find me? I'm curious comment and tell me pretty pretty pretty please <3 Samantha

I hate to be negative nelly.. but..

Yesterday at cheer the worst thing that could have ever happened, happened. Remember how I told you that when we got sized for jumpsuits and stuff I was 120 lbs? Yeah well we got them yesterday and the 5lbs I put on apparently show in my thighs... I tried the pants on as soon as I got them everyone was like "how  come her pants look so good" then they were like "oh my god your ass looks so big" I gave them this look like... dear god please help my ass get smaller then quickly they said "Sam that's a good thing!" I was like ah yeah sure.. Then the worst part.. MY BFF Hailey walks up to me and says.. "OH MY GOD YOUR THIGHS LOOK HUGE!" My jaw just fucking dropped..
So I haven't eaten today, and I have a huge stomach ache. I just want to cry. I figure I'll study, and drink some water then build a bridge and get over myself. At least this is a good reinforcement not to eat.. I dunno. Okay well hope you guys are having more fun not eating then me.

KEEP BUSY <3 Samantha

 

4. Ubber important things to say!

#1. I am 5 feet tall and 6 inches <3, I love answering questions don't be shy!

#2. M=L+I=C.... Mouthwash=laxative+intoxication(drunk)=Calorie free alcohol (also cheaper)

#3. I have suddenly developed this.. Fur, have you ever heard of people developing that from not eating? My fur is coming in and I look like the X-men character "Beast." Oh and it is noticeable to others, wanna know how I know? My brother pointed it out to me...

#4. I started online school I am now taking Psychology, and French which I am so proud of(: I want to major in one of those.. I'm in AP English too but that's normal for me. Which is weird because I suck with sentence structure, and spelling. I guess I'm not terrible with the rest of it because I landed myself in there when I was 11.

As for the rest of life, I dunno  Happy Wednesday(:

<3 Samantha

Happy tears from the comments left.

So many of you left comments on the "Dying for thinness" post. I want you to know I didn't take any offense to any of the things you guys said. In all reality it made me happy inside to know that you guys care enough to leave comments like that. The thing about the things I do is that I'm more or less on the edge of suicide every day. Then something good happens and I become okay with life. On other days Ihave found myself with that bottle of pills in my hand a knife and a glass of water sitting near by. At least once a month I contemplate taking the knife and cutting from wrist to elbow so that I pass out then swallowing the bottle of pills just to make sure I don't wake up. I'm an extremely moody person, and I am always at one extreme or the other. Where I'm going with that is that I have no real value for my life. Danger has never really been something that exists for me. In fact most days I accept it into my life with open arms. I figure if that's the way I'm going to die then so be it but I'm going to have fun doing it. I couldn't care less if i get to live the thinness either. I get complements on the way I look everyday. I'm a size 2 and 5' 6" that's supposed to be "the perfect size" and I don't care because its not about getting the attention of being thin. For me it's about having the control in my life. Everybody is trying to mold me into what they want me to be and I don't get to mold myself. This is the way I am taking control of myself, therefore my actions are going to be idiotic. Believe me when I tell you that I know what I'm doing is life threatening, and probably one of the dumbest things I could ever do. My response, I'll take the risk because it's worth it to me to know inside that I would do anything to be myself. This is me making it happen. On the same note (sort of) those pills are helping. Today I've had 215 calories 1 nonfat yogurt, 1 plum, 1&1/2cup salad, with 75 cals worth of dressing. I'm starting to think I hve multiple personality disorder? I have a brother with it and my step mom says that we act the same way and seem to have the same symptoms. I may look into it but I won't talk to a doctor about it. My other brother is ADD, and we trade meds sometimes. So he is getting Adderall here shortly and I guess He is giving me some because he is in pill debt to me. In case you didnt know adderall makes you focus and hate food in a sort of meth type way.  Leave comments and thoughts below xoxo Sam

Colten Reese Hood! (the most amazing up and coming musician)

Like him on facebook, and check out his original songs. The things he write are so amazing!

https://www.reverbnation.com/coltenhood

http://soundcloud.com/guitartaber93

http://www.facebook.com/ColtenHoodBand?sk=app_178091127385

Colten Hood! Isn't he hott?

One of my friends from Arizona, I love that kid!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMRxk-fBjEY

Death for thinness..

I've come up with a really idiotic thing that I can't help.. This summer I found out I have epilepsy and so I've tried a few different meds for it. One of which I was allergic to. I was looking up side affects of keppra, which was the medication I was allergic to. It turns out that that medication messes with your brain in a certain way and induces Anorexia.. So I decided to start taking them again. I know I know I am absolutely an idiot! But I cant help myself.. I really truly cannot.. Its just i need a little bit more of a boost to this. Just because I'm getting weaker. So now that I'm broken out in hives I can stop worrying about food and remember what thinness is really worth to me. I am willing to put  my life at risk just to get where i want to be, to achieve what really matters and to be beautiful everywhere. I was curious do you guys think I'm really stupid for this? Have any of you done something similarly idiotic for thinness? Maybe some of you have ingested ring worm at some point? I have considered that before, I guess I would be considered a bulimic anorexic ya know? I feel insane sometimes. All the time, every minute of the day. Most of my actions are extremely questionable.

I LOVE COMMENTS <3 Samantha

114.4lbs is what I have to reach to be considered "underweight"

123-114.4= 8.6lbs away!

I think this is absolutely fabulous! It's so close, at the same time it's kind of far away but it is definitely achievable. I'm hoping before Halloween I just have to stick to the ABC which I am doing well on. But I mean if I steadily lose a pound a day from today until Tuesday then I will be 119. That makes my goal to be underweight even more achievable. I want to look really sexy on Halloween. Thighs not touching and such the usual ya know? I think this can definitely happen! AHHHHHH I am soooo excited, and motivated! I just have to focus on being extremely sly.. I will have this figured out shortly. My B.M.I. will be at 18.4 the second I hit 114.4 which is underweight here in the US. Maybe I'll make my next goal to be considered underweight around the world? I dunno I am just ecstatic right now. I don't think I could be happier today! Now imagine how excited I will be when I actually do hit that. I think it will take about two weeks if all goes well. I'm starting online school today so I have a great excuse to be locked in my room constantly. I have to be very good about doing my work and making sure I don't get caught on the T.V.  I really want to get head in school and maybe go to a public school next year having skipped a grade. I am supposed to be a junior next year and I would love to be an upperclassman. I really want to go to Prom and meet new people I love being around real people. Although people here are not the brightest crayons in the box.. I just am not sure what I want to  do.. hmm I'll  post later maybe?

DISORIENTED BY HAPPINESS <3 Samantha

A poems I wrote that I thought could be universal emotions.

Wilted

It's as if for every breath I take

another piece of my heart

has gone missing

Each day I endure my bleeding wound

I remember

how unforgiving life as suddenly become

and I shed another petal 

Once again

life has proven non-existent 

the sweet aroma that used to follow

fades, as I am wilting

My vibrant color turns black

I hold in my hands the truest of secrets

I am a rose without water

parched in my judgement

But hands clasp my abused emotion

ever so gently now

for I have lost myself

and it is so obvious

as silence swallows me

and I fade into this world

gone forever

wilted

Alone

The emptiness of my condemned life has taken abroad my cringing soul

I am without love 

and a simplicity of space

I feel as though I deserve nothing

 no care

no tears

no feeling

After all, what am I 

but a worthless

annoying 

fly

Who is unwanted

and unheard

with a journey of life that goes by unnoticed

I will have left no proof that I existed

other than the quickly forgotten buzz

that was never enjoyed

I have not a purpose 

but to please

that is all that will become of me

A servant of a supposed lover

an emotionless roller coaster

an endless lie

I will see it every day

subtle but it is there

in their eyes

The undetected whispers

the silence that comes 

when I scurry into a glowing room

that without a doubt

becomes as soulless 

as me

Alright so to be honest my shades hold back my tears, when life becomes to much. When thinness is my only savior and when love becomes a responsibility. When all that could be of me has morphed into uselessness. My shades become my cover. 

I've been trying to tell you more about me, or at least I've been thinking about different ways I could try and explain my E.D. I know I am bulimic, there is no way to skip around that subject because when you are sticking your fingers down your throat on a day to day basis. Training yourself to do it without having to gag yourself. You undeniably have a problem. I feel like I've stopped that though, for the most part anyway.. I had to stop at least that. I couldn't help but feel terrible when my little brother came in my bathroom and said "Sam please stop your skinny enough.." I replied with "I don't know what you are talking about I was just going to the bathroom." Even though I so obviously reeked of puke. Chris then said to me "Sam I'm 11 I'm not stupid, I could hear you. Please just stop.." In that moment my heart sank, and I didn't know what to say. I just kept denying that there was anything wrong in the first place. I mean I stopped for a while I did, but again there is no denying that Mia is, and will forever be a part of me.

I feel terrible about that and I then  have my alter ego ANA/MIA whoever, whatever you want to call it. Squash  my personality, my thoughts into the corner of my brain. Sometimes there is that part of me that is really me and fights back. Other times that part of me just shrivels into it's her little corner. In my mind the 3 people live in my head each have spots where they belong, little apartments or places to be to have control of. "Sam" my personality, is kept or squashed into the very bottom of the front right part of my head. Mia, a fairly quiet part of my mind but still present, lives in a small part of the front left part of my head. Ana she usually overpowers the other two and lives in the back left as well as the middle. Although she usually extends to any part she wants really. In my mind she argues with the other two, or partners with Mia.  Never with Sam though.. The only part of my mind that is vacant right now is the back right side, and I think that's where my instinct is at I'm really not sure of anything though. Life is so confusing, a daily struggle inside my head. Do you guys have alter ego's as literal as mine are? Do yours have conversations out loud the way mine do? In the mirror? Or maybe just when you are sitting down? Somebody please comment and let me know this is as normal as an eating disorder gets? I know eating disorders aren't normal but, I'd like to know that I'm a little normal..

Let me know what you thought of the poetry please. <3 Samantha

How I met Ana, and some poetry. CW-123.6

Not to bad and not close enough. I still have quite a ways to go.. Anyway I just thought i would keep you posted. I just successfully threw away my dinner which I am oh so proud of having done. But I cheated on my fast with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. Outrageous! I've decided I'm going to get more personal with my posts. I'm going to tell you where my eating disorder started today and I eventually plan to tell you all about it, and my life.
To start I fell hard for this boy I had been dating for a year. Then I moved from Arizona to Louisiana. Now I know this wasn't exactly the beginning at all but this is when it began to escalate. The move from one state to the next is never easy, and the day I left Arizona is the day my parents found my Mia diary. The entire two day adventure through Texas I was forced to eat the most fattening, and delicious food I think I will ever have in my entire life. I can't even begin to explain what was going through my head. Every time somebody said something to me I cried. Every time we stopped to get food I ate, dragged myself to the bathroom covered in tears, and attempted to purge without releasing even the smallest sound. I still gained weight, and when I made it to Louisiana I was watched fairly closely for about two weeks. After that, they forgot about me..
I remember the day it officially clicked in my head to simply just not-bother to eat anymore. I remember how good it felt when I didn't.  On this particular evening my brother A.J and I had been outside smoking.Once again he said something telling me how stupid I was, or how much better than me he is. I stormed inside the house, red in the face with frustration. My parents had ordered pizza and left it on the dining room table. As I stomped by on my way to my new bedroom I began to head mouth drooling, for the comfort in a box. As my fingers inched closer the rage inside me began to build. In an instant a whirl wind of change blasted in my face. I looked at the pizza still in a walking motion with my hands so close to the greasy pie that I could feel the heat on tips of my fingers. Suddenly something emerged inside of me and I just kept walking. My life changed forever. I-had-met-Ana...

How did you meet her? <3 Samantha

"We are going to be thin

We are the ones who will win

We want to lose weight

Because its are bodies we hate.

 

Is it looks people see?

Or do they see within thee

We need to do well

Cause we want this like hell

 

To be Skinny, to be loved

is what we're dreaming of

Girls Girls Girls we can do this cumon!

Dont you want to look good in that skinny sarong?

 

Rise to the challenge and achieve your dream

You'll be envied by girls and make the boys keen ;)

You want this, you need this, dont sink, just fly!

and in no time you'll be that Beautiful Butterfly"

The last two lines are definitely my favorite. (: 

Down from 127 to 124.4, and fasting!

While I'm at such a high weight I really didn't know if I wanted to blog. It's been a few days since I did though so I figured it was about time. Nothing to particularly interesting has come about other than my mediocre weight loss which I hope to keep going until I'm thinner... Obviously. I can't help but think about how much I want this to come off. How impatient I really  must seem. I just don't want this to go wrong before it goes right. God I really don't have anything to say because I feel really big. It's terrible really but I don't care I just want to be what I want to be and nothing less. I can do this it's not hard. Oh and I must say I am really loving the hungry feeling again.

A TINY BIT OF WEIGHT LOSS, IS STILL WEIGHT LOSS. <3 Samantha

 

I wasn't going to blog today because I am 125lbs.

But I think about how heavy that 125 is and I think about yesterday when I was 127.2. So I suppose today has been better than yesterday. Still I feel like its not good enough I need to be thinner than I am by far! I am so impatient when it comes to this sort of thing though! Yesterday I worked out pretty hard to make sure I would loose weight. Today I really haven't worked as hard as I did yesterday and I should, I need to, I will! I desperately want to be 107.2 pounds. That's not so far off I mean it's pretty far but not so far that it's impossible ya know? I think I will still look healthy and so nobody will suspect anything really. Do you remember this summer when I miraculously went from 139 to 120.6? That was basically 20 lbs. in 20 days. I really think I can do that again! I am really motivated although I have eaten today it was 560 calories.. That's a pretty high number but I can work it off in an hour with hula hooping. Every half an hour of hula hooping burns 372 calories can you believe that? I love it. Anyway I really would love to wake up in the morning and be two pounds lighter again. So I am going to go hula hoop and do some other work outs in front of the T.V.

Ta Ta 4 now! <3 Samantha

Cocaine and food are eerily alike..

Statistic: 95% of people that lose weight gain it all back, and more.
Why? Because the emotional issues they had that initially caused the over-eating didn't go away when they lost the weight. So after they lost the weight they kept on with the disgusting habits they had in the first place.
Fact: Junk food is known to give the same euphoric affect as drugs, and is compared commonly to cocaine.
Are we addicted? Of course we are addicted, and today is the day it ends for me. I'm done with soda, and any sort of mass produced sugary food. This morning I watched a 600lb woman fight against her addiction to junk food. TLC once again managed to make me cry. But that hour long show changed my life for the better I'm not going to be the 95% failure rate are you? I feel like we make this weight loss thing too complicated. Run, eat with discretion, and keep in the front of your mind that you could always be thinner. You will always have a friend thinner than you. Keep a mental image of them in the front of your mind.

DON'T BE A STATISTIC! <3 Samantha

Independence, Ballerina, Control!

Those words are the words that got me started. Those words are the words that I have to prove those words are the words that are going to keep me going. Save the food for the starving Ethiopian children, and all the fat people that live to eat. We don't live to eat or eat to live we are the indestructibles(: Short post but just keep going girlies(:

BE YOUR OWN INSPIRATION <3 Samantha

Periods & Bizarre parts of life.

I always know mine is coming because I binge binge binge. I would call eating pizza a binge wouldnt you? It doesnt mean I am completely fucked I am still going to have 300 calories tomorrow. I've just decided that I am going to wait till I go to the haunted house to bother eating. That way everybody will have the chance to see me eat. I heard this thing the other day that kinda got me in a good/bad way. It was not everybody can be 5'6" and a size 2... Funny thing is I am, I still get called fat. I don't understand life, it's so... Bizarre. Want to know something else bizarre? It's a little spiritual but hopefully nothing that will offend. I had a, lets call it a momentary out of body experience. I was almost asleep when suddenly it felt like a suction cup was pulling my spirit out through my head. Then right as I could feel it leaving my body, it screams at me and says "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" I knew exactly hat it was talking about. It was telling me I need to eat.. I do eat. I do. Everybody knows that I eat. I'm scared.. Am I spiritually hurting myself? Who knows..

IM A BIT WORRIED <3 Samantha

ABC Day 1!

Alright so usually I would be opposed to eating, then I saw some before and after pictures of the ABC diet and decided it will probably be the best way to go. Every 10 days I am going to weigh in, this way I won't get cocky and cheat. Alright so my total intake for the day (so far) is 360cals. I have some wiggle room left, and I think if i must eat then I will have this Vanilla yogurt. I believe it's called light and fit, it's 130 calories. I am really determined to get all the way through the ABC. The soul reason being that almost nobody does. The people that do achieve this goal are usually skeletal by the end.  I will not think ahead, I am in the now and must remember "You are entirely up to you, make your body, make your life, make yourself." I know this is a relatively short post but I really don't have to much to say or think about. I'm pretty tired from cheer and I may pass out. :-D

YOU ARE ENTIRELY UP TO YOU <3Samantha

Others results..

I'm stuck in a rut.

So this 122-125 thing is killing me. I can't figure out a way to just get smaller. I either don't eat, or I eat a ton. I have a binge starve cycle these days. I did notice I binge when I watch T.V. I always think to myself I don't want this food throw it away I'm full of water anyway. Then suddenly BOOM! The food is in my stomach and I'm making more? Yesterday I watched T.V. for 1 hour this is what I ate.. 2 microwavable enchalada weight watchers dinners (700cals) Then I had One of those romen noodle bowls (300?) Then I had french toast (i dont even know how many cals) Then I had two peanut butter and chocolate frosting sandwiches! Oh and I did purge some I know that doesnt forgive it but it probably helped. But I mean what the fuck does anybody see whats wrong with that besides me? Well it's not the end of the world, today I only gained a pound. I read somewhere yesterday that 7000 jumping jacks burns a pound of fat. I want to do 14000 because I start school tomorrow I think. Then on this same page I found out that hula hooping for half an hour burns 372 cals every half hour! Well guess what hula whooping is my specialty. The longest I've hula whooped at one time is 2 hours straight then my friend knocked it down :( She got bored ha ha. So today is a work out day. Oh I have a question! What do you think life would be like without coffee?! LOL I think it would be hell(: Or extremely hilarious xD

BE STRONG <3 Samantha

 

Not going to lie

yesterday, I was 125.. But today is a new day and I am miraculously 122.2. Tomorrow I start school and i hope for 121, that's easy enough right? I'm going to hope really really hard for 120 but I'm just telling myself today that I hope to see 121 on the scale tomorrow. I have 11 days to loose seven pounds but that's not the way I am looking at it anymore. Five pounds at a time that's my way, that my friends is what works best for me. So 2.2 pounds till I meet this little goal weight of mine and then blast off to a new world. Yesterday I sent this girl a picture of myself in my new uniform for my new school. She replied with "wow that uniform is ugly" I said oh yeah. Even though in my mind I was like actually I think it's pretty cute and those pants were Abercrombie and they were a size 2!! Then she said maybe its the lighting. I was like yeah that's it the walls in my friends room were yellow anyway. Then she was like yeah... Then I was like lets face it it's just me.. She then replied with yeah. That was so ridiculously triggering it's not even funny. Now I am cocked and loaded. THESE POUNDS ARE ABOUT TO SHED OFF! Short post but I hope ya'll are doing well and I hope we all get a 2.2 pound loss today(:

CHEERS TO 2.2!! <3 Samantha

I had to quit smoking!!

Cigarettes of course. I'm completely lost on what the hell is going to happen yesterday I ate and some how managed to loose thank both God and Ana! Today its about two here in Louisiana and I've simply locked myself in my room since the moment I woke up. I skipped out on medication in hopes that I'll loose some. Also the fact that my step douche who cheated on my mom with 4 women during their 11 year marriage is back and being a tattle tale. He told my mom I smoke there fore she is on my ass 100% of the time. The good thing about her slave being home is that I now have a great excuse not to eat. My rule is if he buys it or prepares it I won't touch it just because I don't want to get scum bag germs on me. It help's that he will purposely dish up everybody some food and then take all the left overs and put them on his. Forcing me to starve which is exactly what I want to starve and die. I've been taking a lot of sleeping medications so not to be tempted. But other people have also been taking my meds and now I have one left which pissed me off what am I going to do? stick a needle through my tongue for kicks and hope that it hurts bad enough. I need some tips quick on how to keep myself under control. I think I'm going to go back to looking at it five pounds at a time and hope to god it helps more because every time I do look at it with baby steps I get closer and closer to thing loves. Remember I read every comment that's left and sometimes I reply. So thank you so much! Feel free to post questions and I will do my best to answer.

FUCKED ROYALLY <3 Samantha

Do you think I'm Wannarexic?

Honestly I'd like to know. I think that just to prove that I'm not I'm going to get to 111, because that's when I will be "underweight". Well yesterday I did very well and today I think will be another great fast day because I have my 2 liter back and I'm filling it with water at least three times today  minimum. So I really don't think there will be room in my tummy for food anyway. I have another question for ya'll, I only have 7 followers. While that's all great and dandy I was wondering if some of you would post my URL on your blogs so that I get a little more motivation to get smaller. I think it would help a lot and if you don't want to it's okay(: Also remember how I have to go homecoming shopping? My parents are trying to make me wear this dress I bought back when I was 135.. Dear lord I've lost so much weight since then it looks like a velvet patatoe sack It used to be a beautiful dress but theses days... It's simply a ridiculous idea ya know? Not to mention my goal now is to get down to 111 by homecoming. I have like 15 days? I haven't even bought a ticket yet but we shall see. I really think I can do this, I do. I believe in myself so much more than before. My will to simply drop dead has channeled into this unearthing motivation to prove how irreplaceable I really am. But of course that will need to wait for a few weeks. This not eating thing is so hard not to not eat but to have to wait until I'm smaller ya know?  Not too long of course. I know we can all do this and it's just a matter of patience.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE <3 Samantha