136.6lbs.

Today I am 3lbs lighter than I was yesterday which is surprising, I really didn't expect more than a half pound of weight loss, especially because I cheated later on in the day with cookies. I wasn't exactly sure how to go about this diet at all. but I do know I made some great progress and said no to bad foods several times. I'm really excited about this diet and hope I can stay motivated to do it. I have a secret to tell you guys.. I got so big that my pants started to rip... in the thigh. I have no more pants to wear. I need to go shopping but I don't want to go when I just started my diet. In case I manage to lose a good amount of weight on this. My mom said it really works but when she stayed on it she lost hair because it was so hard! I want to lose 22lbs from where i am today it may take a few months but I'm still motivated and ready to work so we shall see.

<3 Samantha

she started 4lbs heavier than me and ended at my gw, she also is the same height.. 5'5"

Adkins. 139.6 HW..

So my mother, my wonderfully crazy mom flipped the fuck out at  me? I don't understand. I decided that I was doing Adkins with her because we've both agreed I need to lose weight. So I go in the kitchen and start making eggs and she says some bitchy comment about how I make them. In order to avoid any and all confrontation I decide to not make the food so i don't have to put up with this BS. Well because I didn't want to go through it she yelled at me for twenty minutes! Sat there and called me a bitchy hag (who the hell says hag) although that's not the point really. The point is that I can't even get a pan out without being told how stupid I am? I just don't get it. I a not a confrontational person and when people flip the fuck out like that for no reason its sort of scary i mean how in the hell is she still married if thats the way she wants to act.. I Don't get it.

Anyway starting the Adkins diet, no bread or sugar at all. I'm stuck with 20carbs a day which is virtually nothing and can be considered a crash diet, but I'm making it a life choice. The problem I'm going to have with today is before I decided I was starting a diet today I decided to have starbucks and by the rules of this diet you get 20carbs a day. Guess how many carbs are in Starbucks, guess. Alright its 46.5 the one that I had it was a skinny cinnomon dolce latte with soy lol. So now I'm ruined for the day I may have eggs later if my mom isnt such a bitch about it.

<3 whatever Samantha
 special shout out to -kes- thank you so much I really think your right

Soul sick.

I was being a Facebook stalker (because I'm a stupid loner) and I was looking at my ex boyfriends page. While I was on there, I saw that he took some girl to one of his dances. He refused to take, or let me go to dances. I wanted to scream! I missed out on important parts of my life to spend time with him and he does this! It's not like I'm dating him but he always said things like "dances are stupid, and a waste of money and time." I didn't know any better because of course I'd never been. Why? He wouldn't let me. It's been months since we've been together, over six months. I really have no reason to be outraged I just.. I feel betrayed. I loved him but he was just bad for me. Right now I'm trying to come to peace with our break up and trying to figure out why it was so unhealthy. I keep wanting to say "we" as if the two of us were still a couple. I want to move on. I've had sex since then. Meaningless sex but still sex. I've made out with other people. I've had a bit of a life since we broke up but it's all been meaningless. I need somebody there for me again. Not him, not like him. But men are scary I say this with the following in mind.. Men are sexy plain and simple. They are! But if their too strong physically they can do terrible things and make you do things your completely against. Or even make you do them out of fear.. Now if their mentally strong they can do the same thing very easily! Only with their mind. You follow? But the worst is when you love them and it happens. They abuse your love. I feel like that's what I have. Nothing. Just the debris left over from ground zero and I'm lying there underneath the ruble screaming for somebody to help for somebody to fix me. For somebody to save me from my life, but they aren't coming nobody is coming.. I'm stuck and my only way out is death. Figuratively. SO does this mean it's time for me to go through a sort of metamorphosis? Grow my own wings and fly out of the ruble into the sky, and find my potential. My confidence. My reason to be.

Oh, Gosh!

Linny, I think your right about the white letters. I never really noticed it too much because I'm not often looking at the actual page. Most of the time I'm on my dashboard. LOL. I think i'm going to have to look into a new style. But I have to write up the codes and everything for my new background. If anybody else has an idea about the page style format, or music. Let me know. Oh and if you know any thinspo music other than the song paper bag. i love that song but everybody uses it. It's boring. Also I'm thinking of redoing the thinspo page changing all the pictures, another thing I was thinking about was the trigger page. I kind of feel bad about that. SO I may look for some things without peoples faces or maybe just replace the entire page. Let me know what you think and anything you would like to see on my pages.
SO you know how I'm doing the ABC diet, well I did really well yesterday but today I forgot to weigh before i drank my coffee. I'm such an idiot so I'll weigh tomorrow! I'm hoping for 132, I have a party to go to tonight but I'm going to try as hard as i can to avoid it. Maybe say I'm just not in the mood for the cookies and candy and all that yucky stuff. I'm still having trouble with the whole say no to drugs issue, so if anybody has tips leme know!. ALSO I got a water bottttle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 EEEK it has a straw and it's purple and it's curved almost like it has a waist lol it's incentive to me! Oh I'm going to update my measurements next wednesday. I've been putting plastic wrap around my waist everyday in hopes that it makes it just a little but smaller. I feel like it's working but we shall see. Oh I put up the measurements of my body on the "mystats" page yesterday as well as a sort of guess at my weight and  a BMI. One last thing! Will you ladies please if you have a blog will you post the URL to mine on it? I'll return the favor just let me know who's done it. Oh and if you would like to submit anyof your favorite thinspo to see on my thinspo page then email it to me at sam.bell1@live.com   thanks so much!

<3 Samantha

I'm thinking about a re-design, also starting ABC

So, I'm going to start with ABC. All I know, even if I never finish ABC is I can do it one day at a time. I know it works because I've lost weight on it before and I know I could use the structure. All I have to do is stay sober! I just need to figure out how to do that..  I realized I get depressed and eat my feelings then realize what I've done and stop eating. But when i stop eating i need a mind altering thing to help me. I get high or buy drugs for it.. I then eat because I'm always thinking about food. I just have to distract myself. Stop talking to the people I get high with although I'm finding it very difficult to do. I can.
I want your opinion, should I re-design my site? Did you ladies like when I took the music off or do you think I should put it back? Do you want me to add new tabs with new things? I will update no matter what but i really want your opinion. After all this isn't only for me it's for you as well! So should i change the background to something a little more Ana related? I thought at first it would be a good idea because life is like one long road, and I thought that it symbolized taking you along for the trip. Go ahead and tell me what you think!
Oh, I'm going to go ahead and catch up on your blogs as much as I can. I used to read them everyday I just haven't felt the best about myself. I realized when I don't weigh in the morning and don't act as part of this community everyday I have a lot of trouble staying on track.
I'm mentally addicted to weed. Somebody please give me tips to quitting I don't know how to say no..

<3 PLEASE COMMENT! Samantha

What do these pictures mean to you? I'll talk about them in the next blog.

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constipation. 134

My sides are so sore I'm trying so hard to lose weight it's just not working, im not even hungry today. I can't finish my food because everything smells discusting. Not exactly anything wrong with that. I really need to work on losing anyway. My mom gave me some of her diet pills so I can do the duty lol. This sucks, I try and lose weight for my cheer stuff and then I gain it all back. I need this. I hate myself. Sometimes I try and act like I don't have an E.D. but I do. Every time I eat I want to hurt myself. I am so sick of being fat. SO I heard that this rolling pin thing makes cellulite go away and that sounds cool so I'm going to try that along with plastic wrap around my problem areas and see if it works. I'm curious to see. I'm also adding cotton balls into my regular regimen because those have always worked. I decided that while the Ritilin works with focus, my mind is always focused on food and so I eat because I am always focused on it. My mind is better on its own when i can be in control. Did I ever explain to you how my mind is divided? Into three parts, three people. I can't explain it never mind, but if any of you happen to understand then please let me know. I'm very happy today even though it may not seem like it. I'm sorry for my lack of posting but I'm not to motivated.

<3 Samantha

Love your comments!

Okay ladies, I have a good reason for not posting on Monday and Tuesday. Well Monday not really.. Anyway Monday I unfortunately got high. Bad Sam, then yesterday I got my Ritalin from my dealer wanted to test it out and see how that curbed my appetite, it didn't. So I ordered some adderal but I have to pay for it so it may be some time before I actually get it. So anyway I'm 134 again. It's going to take some serious work to get back down. I obviously won't have lost 10 pounds this week. I'm so angry with myself! It's okay though because it's not too late for me to still be around 115 by Christmas. I Just need to take it one day at a time ya know? I was standing in the mirror last night just talking to myself reminding myself how I look, how terrible I look. I took some before pictures and I want to have some after pictures. At 120 I'm going to post afters and then if, and when I get below my ATL. I'll post pics every 5 pounds after 120. Gosh I'm so ready to be small I can barely fit into any of my clothes anymore I'm so fat I always wear sweats and huge T-shirts because I'm getting really big... I want to be really small! Today I've taken 1/2 of one of the Ritalin, I figured since I have them I may as well take it  lol. I've taken my normal Lamotrigine for my epilepsy. Had a sip of coffee and its 12:07 here. I have a stomach ache so I'm really not hungry but I am focused. I don't have a lot to say but I love ya'll have fun and try not to eat darlings!

<3 Samantha

Ready set, fuck.

Like I thought i was forced to eat. I wanted to purge so bad but couldn't. I managed to hit the gym for 45 minutes and burn 400 cals so that was good but I had to eat on the way to Florida, in Florida, and when I got home from Florida. Oh, by the way we placed third. Our music cut off in the middle of the routine and we had to start over because the judges weren't paying attention. Whatever no the point i am going to work out in my room when I'm done with this post. I won't weigh until tomorrow i'm going to cross my fingers and hope for 130? OH GOD. I'm ruined i am so fat! I did flush some of the food I had to eat down the toilet and thats good. I'm going to guess i had 3,000 calories this weekend. Maybe 2,500 I hope. Oh my gosh I am going to have to work out so much tonight to burn this off. I did walk around a lot and work out this weekend but i don't think I lost weight at all, I may even have gained some so sad isn't it!. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I think I'm going to go ahead and try to ppost the routine some time but no promises

<3 work hard I'll post tomorrow! Samantha

Yesterday I guess I was 131.8 sad but today i am 130.2.

I'm sort of, well really upset that I'm not under 130 yet. I really wanted to be and now I just, I can't handle this i have to go on stage tomorrow and I really don't want to embarrass myself! So scared but not really because I feel like I'll mess up. I'm scared because i feel like i'm going to stand on stage and get moo'd at I feel like when i go to Florida I will get judged because  I'm way bigger than everybody else. I've realized i can't exactly be 125 tomorrow the way I would love to be. I wonder if that was even possible? I still plan on trying to lose two pounds tonight. Anyway, this week I'm making my Christmas goal just a little bit harder. A friend and I are trying to lose ten pounds this week instead of just 7. I am aware I'll have to fast this week so I'm going to go ahead and try to pick Monday, Tuesday, and maybe Sunday? I'm not sure lol. I will be 120, I know i set ridiculous goals all the time but this seems a bit more plausible. All week I'm still going to be aiming for the pound a day yet working for a little more than that. If I lose 1 1/2 pounds 6 of the seven days this week i can do it. It sounds really hard too but it's possible. Today I'm going to get my nails done. I'm going to walk there. It's a three mile walk to the salon, and a three mile walk back. That should waste some time right hahah. I want to lose the .2 on the 130 today and get below it. Gosh I'm just rambling on and on and on. Sorry okay, well here's some thinspo!  

<3 Samantha

 

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!!

Today I'm hoping I'll lose more. I'm hoping I'll have more control I'm hoping I'll be in the 120's again. I miss the 120's I've gained some serious weight and it wasn't just water weight it was fat. I'm glad I'm doing this again. I am 130.8lbs this morning I think. Well my scale kept doing the oddest thing, it would change back and forth between 130.8 and 131.8. I'm really scared because I may have only lost a half pound, or I could have lost a pound and a half. I'm worried i really am. Just to make sure I'm going to do some extra work outs today on top of cheer, I know it's going to be excruciating but it's going to be worth it. We just have to see. I'm so worried about this weekend I'm going to Florida for my competition, I live in Louisiana. Florida will be so fun, and I'm almost positive we are going to place as long as we don't do something really stupid like drop a stunt. Oh gosh.. We can do this we can. There will be first, second, and third place and there are 4 teams competing in my division so as long as we don't screw up majorly we'll be alright. I've decided I am eating breakfast that morning and i won't be able to weigh unless the hotel has a scale. I'm pretty sure it does but just in case not to mention I don't really trust any scale but my own, but I can't even trust that one. I plan to come home Sunday and blog Monday morning because that's my annual weigh in time. I refuse to weigh after I eat or drink anything. Are ya'll losing your pounds? This isn't supposed to just be me it's supposed to be all of us ladies! We can do this! 25lbs by Christmas no excuses, we don't need any diet pills, or cotton balls. We don't need to fast if we don't want to. Honestly I think this is a healthy diet well as healthy as you can be when you have an E.D. If you planned on gaining weight this holiday season think again you will not be the statistic and neither will I. Like I said yesterday we aren't going to have to set a new years resolution to lose 25 pounds because we will have already done it!!!

<3 Samantha

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!

A pound a day will get you to your goal weight!

My scale suddenly switched back to lbs. so I had to look up how much 60.6 kg was so that I knew how much i weighed yesterday which was 133.6, such a fatty right. Today I'm 132.2 not bad I'm still working on that whole drop 10kg though so I'm really going to pay attention to it. I looked up how much I weigh in kg and it's 59.9kg a much larger loss than the day before yesterday. I know for a matter of fact i could have lost more than I did yesterday i was doing great i was at 300ish  calories I'd had 4 crackers 90cals 8 Cheetos 140 and a salad covered in sirachi hot sauce with 2 peppers 20 cals.  I never actually did the adding for it but I know I did super well until they brought home burger king.. and I ate a burger and some fries, not all the fries just some of the fries. I had the potential to lose another pound yesterday and i ruined it. I'm so angry, but I'm going to fix it today I am so sick of being over 125. I hate not feeling my ribs and my muscles.
Elle darling, for the cotton ball trick there is no certain cotton ball you must use. I'm not exactly sure about the safety I'm going to assume if you did it everyday it would probably be a problem. So maybe once a week for a few days would be alright. Now for the swallowing directions. I've found it's easiest to do when you cut the ball in half, or even fourths then dip it in water after that squeeze all the water out so that its smaller and easier to swallow. Then place it in the back of your throat, and swallow the cotton ball just like a pill take with water with water. You need to hurry and swallow at that point because as the cotton ball goes down your throat its going to expand and you-will-feel it. But if you keep drinking water at a fast pace it will go down more easily and faster. Take two or three cotton balls in the morning, and drink water occasionally throughout the day you will stay full ALL DAY LONG! But don't just take my word for it, do it and you'll see. :) I actually got this tip from a v-blog on Pretty Thin. A very long time ago. I also need to add from personal experience I've found it absolutely impossible to purge with them in your stomach so don't get bored and eat. There will be no excuse to eat anyway.
For the ladies with children, when you were pregnant did you dream about it? I've been dreaming about babies a lot.. I know I probably sound crazy but I'm still really worried about it.. Oh, lord..
I've decided we all have a goal starting the second you read this. We are going to lose a pound a day until December 25th, or Christmas. It really doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas or not your doing this. I don't feel like we should have new year resolutions to lose a bunch of weight we should be thin for the pictures they are going to take of us on that day, and say something cute like oh I just want to find the perfect man or something adorable because we are already really thin. Don't you think that's a good idea? Lets do it!!!

Tah Tah For Now <3 Samantha

Tip 1

drink coffee it will quicken your metabolism!!

60.6kg

Look I'm aiming for 50kg by Saturday I'm going to work my ass off. Every time i lose 5kg I'm going to allow myself to size up my gauges. (: I'm not sure how much 5kg is anyway but like I said it seems appropriate. I'm going to try and lose 10kg before Saturday if that's even possible. I'm on a fast, just a water fast i feel like it's going to be way more efficient than having coffee and diet soda in there too. I feel like those are just big teases and i hate them with a burning passion for doing that. Anyway Saturday as I've announced already is in fact my Cheer competition. Where I will stand on a stage and do flips in a mini skirt. Now that I'm thinking about it I'm really scared and don't want to have to stand in front of hundreds of people doing that. Now that i'm fat I reallly don't want to have to do it... At all.... I wish i could just back out, i wish that the team didn't have to depend on me. I wish I wasn't so scared. Since i already cant sleep because of that I might as well make it harder by fasting right? Ha whatever i'd rather be an insomniac and skinny than fat and laughed at. There will be a 2 hour drive to Flordia for it and I'm assuming afterward they are going to want to go out to eat.. I am going to try as hard as I can to avoid that just say I'm so hyped on adrenaline that I have no appetite. I'll think of an excuse. Do you remember the cotton ball trick? If you cut a cotton ball in half and swallow both halfs maybe take 3 or four of them, it keeps you super full all day and has virtually no calories. Thats how I usually get through the first three days of a fast after that i'm good and can do it all by myself.

<3 Samantha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o39AxRZYHek

this is what I'm talking about when I say cheerleaders. Crazy shit like this. 

I am so goddamn scared 

look at the girl in the background. There is a reason she is in the background.

Is this taylor momsen? I think so xD

I lol'd because it's uneven xD

Sry for making fun of people but yeah oh I want to show you a cheer tastrophy too lol 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtxzfmAywAI&feature=related

I've seen this happen ^^^^^ believe it or not it happens A LOT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWGiRbMuTqM&feature=related

and this one is just badass lol

Molly Reid shut down.

So I know, I've been gone for almost a month. I apologize, I don't exactly have an excuse or good news. i never have good news damn. I want to go back to this summer when I was doing ubber well because I wasn't getting high. Fuck. Whatever I'm not going to be negative about this anyway.. Now that I'm here I just wanted to say O.M.G I MISS YOU LADIES! :') Okay now that that's been covered, I think Molly Reid is in recovery or simply got shut down. Her blog says "shut down" which really blows.. I dunno I wish my phone hadn't been stolen other wise I would text her and see what was going down. Last time I did talk to her that's what she said was that she was in recovery. I let her know I support her and if any of you followed her and had her number I suggest you text her and do the same. :) She could probably use a friend to help her along. Onto some other stuffs how were your Halloweens and thanksgivings? I'm still eating pie l.o.l... I had a slice this morning and a green apple along with Starbucks Christmas blend he he. Somebody set my scale to kg so its a pain in the ass to find out how much i weigh.. I'm 60.8 kg which is 133.8, and remember that's after the pie, the coffee and the apple. dammit if I hadn't eaten I would've been able to say I weighed less. Well fuck me side ways because now I am going to work my way down to 50kg (I don't even know how much that is and don't tell me okay?) It seems like ten pounds to me and I'm not going to check until I get there. SO don't tell! Oh, I have a cheer competition this weekend. Scary stuff bro.. Not to mention I started gauging my ears this weekend for those of you that don't know the sizes before 0g go like this 16g, 14g, 12g, 10g, 8g, 6g, 4g, 2g, 0g. Now that you know I'll explain where I am and what happened like an hour ago. I'm at a 10g which is kinda fast for somebody who just started gauging on Friday. I was cleaning my gauges not even 20minutes ago. I was using my 8g tapers to make sure my ears didn't close during the 15 minute ordeal. It was just an extra precaution, but one of them slid all the way through and I was all like FUCKKKK because that made one ear 8g and the other one 10g so then i tried to put the taper through the other one and sadface it wouldnt go so again I was like dammit. but then i put the 10's back in because its pretty ghetto to have 2 diff size gauges. Once again, I say sad faces because I was really excited to be an 8 beeeecauseeee that makes me 4 sizes away from my goal of 0, maybe i'll go to 00 (one size bigger than 0) just because I want to be able to put my pinky through my ear as well as a sharpie tehe. alright lovlies byebye.

<3 Samantha

this picture is so you know what the sizes look like when I talk about them

You guys make me laugh

I just have to say all the comments that have been left recently made so happy. I really hope this works I'm starting to really doubt the whole pregnancy thing but you can never be too safe ya know? As for the loss of babies that was unintended I'm so sorry..
But I do need to add I will never be a "15 and pregnant" Also in the post I added 5 minutes ago before this one I forgot to put what was running through my mind last nigh. I was laying in bed, punching scratching my stomach and stuff when it hit me, no pun intended. I am a teenager this is the best time of my life this is the time I am supposed to be the most beautiful I only get this one chance for it this one opportunity to be my best so why ruin that you know? Oh i think it's too late for the day after pill now I think.. Not to mention im broke. Whoops, whatever not the point off topic sorry. So that was really motivating for me to think okay this is my one chance my one life my one day that I will be 15 years and 193 days old. I will never be 15 years and 193 days ever again. EVER!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? This day is the one day that I get this day and thats what has me motivated is that today can be constructive towards tomorrow. I'm making today constructive towards tomorrow. Now I know that I will be high tonight because my friend got this really great kush for her birthday yesterday and being her best friend she is smoking it with me. I can't decide if that's good or bad.. I just don't know. It's good and bad, its a sword with a handle but i'm holding it by the blade. So I need to be careful so I don't cut myself and fill the cut with fatty foods. That's a really bad metaphor for sam needs to be careful tonight so she doesn't eat she needs to hold the sword by the handle and cut the fat off her bones. Hey that made sense I'm so proud of myself (: I'm in such a fantastic mood I am soooooooo happy <3 you all you are allllll just soo amazing (: Don't forget to read the post I just posted right before this one!

<3 Sam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I'm going to assume. -1.4. It's 3:00pm here

I think since I posted last that I've lost 1.4lbs. I think I was 130 then and today I was disappointed when I was 128.6. What is it with the .6 all the time! I can never just be a flat 128, 127,126,125,124,123,122,121,120. Ever It's always .6 fuck you point six you are my nemesis and I will kill you! Te he, I am in a very okay mood I realized I sort of have to eat but just a little bit not much. So today I've had diet mountain dew, black coffee, and 1 green apple. Everyone is always like yeah those help you lose weight and keep you filled up. I will take there word for it and if I rid of .6 today then I'll be a happy camper. I'm going to work out today (secretly). I think I really do need to beat the .6 and I really hate being over 125 at all it makes me feel super fat. But we all already know the mission in this whole thing. I found these videos online of this anorexic in recovery, she is doing a terrible job her first video she was normal (just out of rehab) then the next video she is 20lbs lighter... I'm sorry but you don't just lose 20lbs in a few weeks without an eating disorder. Anyway she has some great tips and she really helped me. My favorite tip is just taking a deep breath and just asking yourself, why am I about to eat? Usually you aren't hungry. If you are wait for 15 minutes make yourself do something productive and then after you've finished that you usually aren't hungry you are busy and can think of things to do that aren't eating. If you wait 15 minutes again then thats more time thats gone by with out you eating. When you do eat, eat in moderation. Put a small amount of food on your plate and leave some there too, never eat everything on your plate that's just ridiculous. As we all know we should set a time that we absolutely cannot eat after her tips help you to not binge at night, and just not binge ever. I really love it I'm going to put her video up down here..

<3 ya'll Sam.

I spoke too soon I can't find her videos anymore wtf? okay whatever Happy starving!

Research is a scary thing.

I just realized I had sex (an hour ago) on the most fertile day I possible could have in my entire life. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! dammit cuss word, bad word, swear word, fuck. I also failed to use protection again. Then I did some research and what do you know, I am an idiot. Want to know the first thing that popped in my head when I read that? Fucking starve yourself. Even if I am prego, starving myself will kill it. So don't eat don't worry. I'm just trying to think about this, because if I don't get a period due to pregnancy but I'm also not eating and I don't get one because of that then I'm screwed. Oh and I'm not talking like ABC bullshit where you eat a little here and there. No I'm talking like fucking starve Ethiopian style. It's not about weight it's about death. So I doon't give a rat's ass food isn't in my life. I am soooooo scared because (and I hate to be so graphic about this) but the whole pull out thing wasn't exactly, well completely pulled out ya know? lol IDK how to put that, if you get it then you get it if not then oh well. But I could r

<3 Scared Sam

  

this barbie doesnt have babies

So I need to add that I'm an idiot and at least 100 lbs thats what I need to be to get semi under weight thats when I will be able to start the ABC and get thinner ya know? Yes you know, okay then. I have no idea how much I weigh btw. But its not for long I have to fix what I may have broken in the next month or two. Otherwise im fucked.