Because I got high...

I gained, well I'm 130 today. I figured because I suck so much that I'll go back to the day I messed up on ABC and start from there. So today is ABC day 4.. I'm fixing what i fucked up. I took one of those lax, they arent doing anything. I also have to credit some of that weight gain to my period. Most of it though goes to the entire cake i ate... alone. Today I am supposed to hit 400 cals? I tried but every time i eat I purge from guilt. I can kind of see anorexic traits in my life style. Like the first thing I do in the morning is pee, then weigh. After that I make my bed, do the dishes, do laundry, finish cleaning the kitchen, have a cigarette, take my medicine with water or coffee depending on what I weighed that morning, school, more liquids, more cigarettes, more school. It seems pretty normal for a 15 year old right? Yeah, but today I had to wear baggy clothes because all of the clothes I have just make me look fatter except the baggy ones that kind of slim me up to less fat ya know? I think sometimes, okay Sam you have a problem, but then i go seriously your too fat to have any problem except rolls and rolls of fat sitting on your hips, arms, thighs *ugh* and that second voice always wins because I mean why wouldn't it we all know that the second voice is right. So I have some people coming in this week, Wednesday grandma and her boyfriend. Thursday this guy i had a thing with back in AZ he is coming to visit my brother. then Friday my mom comes home from Florida. my house is going to be so fucking full. but i can tell this is all going to be so damn awkward i am so fat i don't want any of them to see me, specifically T.J. i'm so ashamed i just want to bury myself alive.