Monday, October 3, 2011

Yesterday I weighed in at 126.8 around 7pm

I really didn't even bother to weigh today it gives me too much anxiety. I really just get scared of opening my eyes when I get on.. The thing is seeing 126 was sort of a pleasant surprise to me. I am really trying to avoid late night shoveling into my mouth. So I'm having for breakfast coffee 45 calories with non-dairy creamer, lunch Strawberry oatmeal 130 calories, dinner I think will be the same as lunch. So that will put me at 305 calories for the day if all goes according to plan.
On a different topic, last night I had a dream. I had a dream that my parents found this food diary, I started last Thanksgiving. They just yelled at me and didn't care. In reality they did find this diary in March, they gave it back to me and I just ignored them the entire move to Louisiana. My brothers, and my old neighbors also read it. I was so angry I didn't even bother to say goodbye to them. Which actually helped in the move. This little incident helped me just let them go. My parents never actually said anything to me. Every time we stopped my dad made me get something to eat though. Gas station food is absolutely disgusting. I couldn't flush it down the RV toilet, or hide it because every one was watching me. So I would just eat it. When my boyfriend finally decided to break up with me a month later. I started blogging again and I went down hill a little. I became very bulimic and got rid of everything I ate. I finally just decided to make this a Pro Ana/Mia blog. The point of this little rant is that my parents never really bothered with me. They just thought I was stupid.. I dunno it kinda hurts, but I really don't care that much. Now I am absolutely mortified of them finding this blog though. Everything on it would hurt them so badly. I don't want to hurt them I just want to be in control of myself this way.
I don't want anyone to get hurt <3 Samantha

Posted by Samantha Bell at 12:33 PM

3 comments:

  1. RunOctober 3, 2011 at 5:03 PM

    The anxiety from stepping on that scale is enough to kill me most days.
    My parents never noticed. It's strange how so many parents either never notice, or notice but don't do anything. In a way, it would be kind of nice of them to do everything they can to help you. x

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  2. a friend of anaOctober 4, 2011 at 4:52 AM

    my parents never noticed my weird eating habits until they started seeing the cuts... like they didn't care if i just kept getting skinnier and skinnier. then they shoved to some hospital to "get better" and then acted all awkward around me like i was crazy. now when i lose weight they still say nothing... sometimes i think they really think i am crazy. oh well. parents are strange sometimes.
    i think they just don't know how to handle our issues with food. they just don't understand and don't want to make it worse...
    stay strong girl! <3
    i always love reading your blog btw... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. thinloveOctober 4, 2011 at 6:14 AM

    Yeah same, like I don't want my parents to find out, but on the other hand I want to feel like they notice and care about me. But yeah, it really sucks. *hugs* Thinlove

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