Because I got high...

I gained, well I'm 130 today. I figured because I suck so much that I'll go back to the day I messed up on ABC and start from there. So today is ABC day 4.. I'm fixing what i fucked up. I took one of those lax, they arent doing anything. I also have to credit some of that weight gain to my period. Most of it though goes to the entire cake i ate... alone. Today I am supposed to hit 400 cals? I tried but every time i eat I purge from guilt. I can kind of see anorexic traits in my life style. Like the first thing I do in the morning is pee, then weigh. After that I make my bed, do the dishes, do laundry, finish cleaning the kitchen, have a cigarette, take my medicine with water or coffee depending on what I weighed that morning, school, more liquids, more cigarettes, more school. It seems pretty normal for a 15 year old right? Yeah, but today I had to wear baggy clothes because all of the clothes I have just make me look fatter except the baggy ones that kind of slim me up to less fat ya know? I think sometimes, okay Sam you have a problem, but then i go seriously your too fat to have any problem except rolls and rolls of fat sitting on your hips, arms, thighs *ugh* and that second voice always wins because I mean why wouldn't it we all know that the second voice is right. So I have some people coming in this week, Wednesday grandma and her boyfriend. Thursday this guy i had a thing with back in AZ he is coming to visit my brother. then Friday my mom comes home from Florida. my house is going to be so fucking full. but i can tell this is all going to be so damn awkward i am so fat i don't want any of them to see me, specifically T.J. i'm so ashamed i just want to bury myself alive.

124.6 this morning.

So it's the middle of day 4, I'm still doing great in the Ana Boot Camp. I'm a little light headed and this morning had a a quick heart beat but that's okay. I realized after the first two days its really easy to just say no. Originally I wanted to lose 8 lbs in the first 11 days I think it might just happen, maybe more if I get lucky. The 11th day is Halloween so by that day I would really like to be under 120. If I keep losing weight as steadily as I am (because I have a lot of fat to get rid of) I might be 116.6 by then? Which is just half a pound over what my first goal weight. I've noticed all of my goal weights are people xD. The first is my friend Ana, she weighs 116 (obviously). The second is Alycia at 105, the third is Kara at 97. Oh I found this model that is 5'6" and 100 pounds she is still curvy and stuff so that's good that I wont be noticeably emaciated if I get there. Oh I should tell you, all of the girls that I want to be thinner than are 2 inches taller than me.. I know this whole post is all over the place and for that I really do apologize. Oh the cheer uniform tops came in, mine is so tight and everybody else's are super baggy, its going to look so nasty during competition I think the competition is right after I finish ABC lol. I hope I don't pass out at practice that would be interesting, my anorexic coach would be all Samm you have  a serious problem, and I'd be all like STFU look whose talking. Then I would get kicked off the team and that would suck because I would get bored a lot. At least I would have my uniform and stuff and be able to see my dad.  Who I miss, whoa all of a sudden I'm seeing black dots ha ha ha kind of interesting. I could just fall asleep right now xD. Like I've been saying every time I post, I don't want to get too excited about ABC because I don't know how this is going to work out. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I was following one of you who was doing ABC but you didn't know your weight but i think you only lost like 25lbs? If thats the case for me when I end ABC I'll do the skinny girl diet. I think I would prefer not to be hospitalized because I don't want to have to get fat again! I am working really hard to melt my fat ass. OH! So i have 3 laxatives left? I am saving one for Thanksgiving definitely  i just don't know when I'm taking the other two? Maybe one the day before Halloween so I could be that half pound thinner if I am just really close to my gw #1. I know I am going to work out hardcore before just to try and lose more than a pound a day. It's starting to get on my nerves that this is sooooo damn slow! But I know slow and steady wins the race. It's just so fucking annoying!  I am so tired haa, and this is such a random and boring post that I'm sure you guys are all like shut the front door sam I'm getting tired of your rambling. I noticed I have a new follower so thats pretty neat! Hello new followers Welcome! As for the old followers thanks for being here (: Thinspo today? I think yes 

<3Samantha

125.6 this morning, day 3

So, I'm kind of proud of myself! Not too proud just kind of proud. I've lost two pounds in two days which I suppose everybody does all the time but I just think its going pretty well I won't be able to weigh myself tomorrow morning because I am sleeping over at a friends so Sunday morning I'm hoping to be 123.6 we shall see. I'm going to try really hard not to get high this weekend because I always get really bad munchies especially when i'm doing crash diets. Today I get 300 calories, tomorrow, 400 and Sunday 100. I'm excited to see how this works out. I will persevere I have so much to prove. Oh so yesterday I was Skyping with my best friend when I told her how much I weigh she was fucking pissed. She has always been thinner than me because she just has one of those fast metabolisms. She usually was about 115 through junior high and freshman year of high school. It caught up to her :D it's sick to think that I'm happy about that but she is on weight watchers now eating a whole fucking 1200 calories a day. On the ABC I barley eat that in a week.. Anyway she is 165.... she is two inches taller than me at 5' 8" which makes her BMI 25.1 which is barley overweight but still overweight. I am 5'6" at 125.6 (today) BMI 20.3! big difference I'm really glad actually (: oh I decided my new GW is 95 because my friend Alycia is perfect actually she has a little belly in my eyes even though she is 5'8" too. I wanted to weigh less than her, and i have a friend Kara who is 97 pounds so I figured what the hell lets shoot for 95 Just so I know that I'm the thinnest. BTW I miss your comments.

<3 Samantha

me by Halloween

Me by December 13th

Day 1 successful 126.6. Now day 2

So 1 pound lost, that's nice. Still not expecting to much I don't want to get my hopes up to have to watch them fall. I don't feel like anything lately, except a failure, and disposable I do feel disposable. I feel like a spare part that isn't really anything anybody needs. As I'm sure you know I'm a little depressed, but this to shall pass. It always does. I just have to keep with the boot camp. I want to be 120 by the 30th that gives me ten days from today to lose 6 and 1/2 pounds. I'm going to be a cannibal, so I feel like thinness is required for somebody that only eats people. You know some people really are cannibals! Have you guys ever considered it? I mean I know me and my brother have sat there and talked for hours about how interesting and most likely good it would be to eat people. Anyway back on topic I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do this costume but I want to win a few costume contests so it's going to have to be a pretty good one. As for calorie count (this is ridiculous) its 10:20am I've eaten 360 calories and I get 500. Now I have a diet Mountain dew slushie that I made last night so this should hold me over for a while. Then I'm going to make jello and go to cheer. Lord this is going to be a long day.

<3 Samantha

ABC Day 1, again. CW 127.6 weighed at 5:25pm

So, I'm not excited or anything. I'm not thinking I'm going to make it anywhere. All I know is that I dont have any choice but to lose weight so I'm doing this. I've eaten 365 calories today, -jello -coffee- oatmeal - tuna and  -egg whites I worked off 370 so far. Thinking later will bring oatmeal? Its 150 cals I'm going to have to poor some of it out though because its 15 cals over  what i have left. I need to decide which flavor I'm going to have.. Anyway one day at a time this is going to be a long process but we will see. Lucky for me Thanksgiving is a 500 calorie day. I think I'm going to fast the day before and add the calories of that to the Thanksgiving dinner, Maybe the day after too? Oh god this is going to be terrible. my whole family is coming for the stupid day so I'm sure my mom is going to make it one of "those" days... Also Halloween is coming up I don't have a costume and I have family coming for that too luckily its a 400 calorie day and I have a party to go to. I'm taking little girls trick or treating and I'm going to give my candy away. I'll look like such a good person inside and my body I'm hoping will look alright too(: Oh and tomorrow is my brothers 18th birthday.. Cake and ice cream.... That's a 500 calorie day as well, I'm getting super fucking lucky here all of those holidays are the high calorie days thank god. I think my last day is December 13th That's nice too. I'll have time before Christmas to be all like mom I need new clothes none of mine fit anymore! So come Christmas morning I have a large assortment of clothes (:  Hoping to be down to a 00 because I'm a 2 now. Reasonable right? I'd love to have to have cheer uniform in some too!(: Gah I need to stop day dreaming stop being a failure and just do this!

<3 Samantha darling

I want to look like this.

Failure. Its cut into my wrist

It's not that I failed at restricting or anything, I've just realized how ugly, fat, worthless, and terrible I am at everything. i don't want to hear comments that say anything along the lines of.. No honey your beautiful and smart and amazing blah blah blah. Actually I would really prefer some tough love. I'd prefer to hear yeah your fat yeah your a failure you don't deserve anything. I am, and if you have something nice to say to me today then just don't say anything at all. I really hate myself right now and I want to keep it that way because that's what i deserve. No matter how hard I try at anything I'm always a failure, I always get used. I'm never the best, I'm never the most beautiful thing. I'm just some stupid annoying conformist all the time, I have a generic personality type. I get kicked out of schools, I'm a druggy and a terrible influence. I'm living in the past and I have a cocky confidence, too cocky actually. I get in my mind that I am okay, that I'm pretty amazing. The thought enters my mind and it shouldn't just because I'm okay at something I always have fucking flaws. I always cry myself to sleep at night i just want to die. I just want to be forgotten I just hate myself so much right now. I think it's never going to stop. I'm a dumb-epileptic-hot headed-fat-lazy-bulimic-emo-slut, that sums me up completely. I'm going to be some homeless fat whore one day because I have no goals. I have nothing, I always think I am going to do something tomorrow or that i could teach somebody something and I can't. the only thing I'm good at is hiding in a closet crying, actually two things I'm really good at getting guys to just look at me like a new fuck toy. That's all I am and all I will ever amount to. God kill me now.

4 pounds per week*6 weeks is 24 pounds

Four pounds a week is my new goal it’s nothing. My coach changed the competition date because he decided we aren’t ready yet. Thank god! I weighed in today around 3p.m. with clothes on at 127.2 which is good because I had eaten toast AND dinosaur egg oatmeal. I know I was bad I understand that I failed my fast but I guess I’m not a very goal orientated person. It’s okay because I guess I have a new goal, and it will be four pounds a week loss, easy right? I really hope so. Four pounds is really nothing for a week. I could lose double that if I tried super hard although with six weeks until competition at four pounds a week I could potentially lose 24 pounds before then. Providing everything goes according to plan, and at this low of a goal it should. Today I was presented with the opportunity to eat a baked potato smothered in sour cream, ranch, and whatever else it was. I got up and put it down the garbage disposal when no one was paying attention. The whole fucking potato! I hope it doesn’t break the sink xD. I would have put it in the fridge and said I was going to eat it later. But then I would probably really eat it later. That would defeat the entire purpose of pushing it down the sink so I think I made the right choice. I always make goals and never really get there I get half way and fuck up (excuse the language today.) I just think baby steps are better than giant ones. I also believe I should catch up on my reading. I’ve severely neglected books/comics/poems and the newspaper. I want to catch up on what’s going on in the political world because soon enough I will be a voter. I think as a citizen it’s my obligation to act in the world I live in. I’m evolving on the inside and the outside. I’m looking for good volunteering opportunities, does anybody have ideas? I have a lot of time since I’m in online school, and I also need to figure out how to get extracurricular activities since I am enrolled online. :/ So much going on I don’t know how I find time to stuff my face. I don’t even feel like I have an E.D sometimes. I really wish I did, I would love it and treat it like a baby. I don’t know it comes and goes what I do know I’m hungry right now and that’s just superb.  I do know that instead of eating I’m going to smoke a cigarette. I also know that I feel okay for a minute and am starting my 4 pound loss goal on Wednesday’s. So I’ll keep you posted let you know if I lost any tomorrow. I’m going to walk around my yard for a little while and condition I’ll probably hula hoop too. 

I went to high school and junior high. Her name is Madison Brown she is 15. <3 Samantha

I'm back!

I’ve had a recent loss of identity. I was just watching T.V thinking “who am I? What do I want to be? What do I like? What do I want to amount to?” and I couldn’t answer the questions. I still can’t answer the question.  It’s a journey I’m hoping I will be able to embark on very, very soon. I’ve realized on November the 9^th I have my first cheer competition. I know we are going to fail epically, but at least we will fail together.  I just don’t want to be fat when we do fail and believe me right now oh-my-gosh am I a whale. My weekend consisted of getting high every night, and binging. I’ve had cookie dough, ice cream, pizza, peanut butter, chocolate bars, gummy bears, fried chicken, steak and potatoes but the rest is a huge fucking blur to me. I know I smoked a lot of cigarettes, and had tons of diet soda. I’ve got a solution because soon I’ll have no choice but to be really thin. My idea is a spiritual fast I want to be closer to my god. I want to prove that with my faith I can accomplish anything, and I will.  Some of you may be thinking wow this girl is really twisted, but I’m not. This fast may have a major upside to it but its purpose is for me to become enlightened and closer than ever before with god. I’ve planned it up until Halloween maybe later I do want to have a little strength when I go to competition, just enough to get me through it. Like I’ve said before one of my coaches is Anorexic, but I’m really not worried about her noticing, or anybody for that matter. I have school that I can become focused on, I have my brother pushing me to look perfect, and I have god. I think it would be nice for us all to turn our thinspiration into something spiritually enlightening, something that would really make us happy. So for the next 10 to 14 days I will be spiritually fasting for the main purpose of becoming closer to, and with god. Hopefully none of you are offended by this post, and maybe just maybe at least one of you will join me.

Samantha<3

Ana instructions in a dream..

It was the weirdest thing.. My friend who has lost a lot of weight recently, and does sort of look like an eating disordered person told me what I need to do to succesfully be ana(in my dream). It was so weird, I mean every night I pray to God that in the morning I will be smaller. Last night was particularly interesting because I read through my diary that I started back in 08', I have a date that I started purging.. Febuary 2nd, 2008 I was.. 13 I guess that's very normal but I'm 15 now and from my perspective I feel like I'm stuck in a 12 year olds life. I know this post is really all over the place but I'm super scatter brained, and I just, every time I look in the mirror my reflexion balloons and its so sad to see that every day to want it to be smaller. I also feel like I have extra skin and all of these fat rolls that i can really grab.. I feel disgusting.. I am disgusting. I'm not sure where all of this came from its really random, all of my posts are but whatever. Have a good day girls <3 Sam

125.7 Doing a little better.

I am going down which is fantastic, but before I did the butterfly thing I ate a Snickers, and cookies. Since I did the butterfly thing I haven't eaten. For those of you that asked my friend Marleigh made it up, she originally made it for cutting. I thought it was a great idea so I turned it into no eating.(: She is the person I named my butterfly after.<3 Then I told my friend Britney about it, she asked why not Dragonflies? They are the symbol for Anorexia. I thought that was a great idea too. Personally I want to fly away like a butterfly into freedom but Dragonflies work too. As for my weight I'm really happy about the it slowly but surely going down again. Last week I'm thinking around Wednesday I was 130lbs, that really just doesn't fly with me. When I see the 3 in the 10's place I sort of freak. Whatever works though I guess, I'm in a super whatever mood right now it's so weird... I'd like to talk about the butterflies just a little more. Okay, so I don't know if you have tried it but I have it on right now, every time I walk into the kitchen it just adds a little more guilt. The thought of hurting my best friend over food is ridiculous and I just can't do it. It gives me so much willpower. I mean I could easily just shovel food into my mouth. If it were only me I was thinking about, but that's not the case here at all. I have to consider hurting somebody else's energy in the process of having control. If you guys didn't know already I'm one of those people that is very Universal. I like to think I am spiritually connected to every and all things in life. I was raised to believe hurting someone or something else hurts your spirit. I don't believe in any religion in particular but sometimes I go to Church though. It's a combination Church, of every religion in the world. I love it everybody is so nice and accepting. You can even bring your dogs to church(: That church is where I first got the idea of Vegan-ism, and where I learned to be accepting of Gay's. I know that was quite the rant, I just feel like these butterflies could help us and the world so much!

SPIRIT OF MIND <3 Samantha

stop binges

1. When you feel like you want to eat, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.
2. Name the butterfly after a loved one.
3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.
4. If you eat before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont eat, it lives.
5. If you have more than one butterfly, eating  kills all of them.
6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.

Yesterday I weighed in at 126.8 around 7pm

I really didn't even bother to weigh today it gives me too much anxiety. I really just get scared of opening my eyes when I get on.. The thing is seeing 126 was sort of a pleasant surprise to me. I am really trying to avoid late night shoveling into my mouth. So I'm having for breakfast coffee 45 calories with non-dairy creamer, lunch Strawberry oatmeal 130 calories, dinner I think will be the same as lunch. So that will put me at 305 calories for the day if all goes according to plan.
On a different topic, last night I had a dream. I had a dream that my parents found this food diary, I started last Thanksgiving. They just yelled at me and didn't care. In reality they did find this diary in March, they gave it back to me and I just ignored them the entire move to Louisiana. My brothers, and my old neighbors also read it. I was so angry I didn't even bother to say goodbye to them. Which actually helped in the move. This little incident helped me just let them go. My parents never actually said anything to me. Every time we stopped my dad made me get something to eat though. Gas station food is absolutely disgusting. I couldn't flush it down the RV toilet, or hide it because every one was watching me. So I would just eat it. When my boyfriend finally decided to break up with me a month later. I started blogging again and I went down hill a little. I became very bulimic and got rid of everything I ate. I finally just decided to make this a Pro Ana/Mia blog. The point of this little rant is that my parents never really bothered with me. They just thought I was stupid.. I dunno it kinda hurts, but I really don't care that much. Now I am absolutely mortified of them finding this blog though. Everything on it would hurt them so badly. I don't want to hurt them I just want to be in control of myself this way.

I don't want anyone to get hurt <3 Samantha

Control.

Yesterday I had to fight myself so hard to not go and purge right after I took my seizure meds. I took them with bread because my stomach was murdering me. I was holding myself against a wall banging  my head just trying to distract myself. I've decided if I have that much control I can have enough control for a fast. The problem with me is I watch too much T.V. I get bored and need to be moving while I watch it, and I go find food then don't even realize how much I've eaten till its too late. I also have a bad habit of eating just one meal a day late at night. Around 10 or so, it's so bad for me I can't even explain just how bad, but I'm sure you all understand. I guess I haven't been doing horribly because the thing where you get chest pains and stuff yeah that's back. So is the insomnia, even with Benadryl I can't sleep. I don't know if that's good or bad, I guess both.

No matter what it takes <3 Samantha

Typing is so hard with fake nails!

This, and texting! Guys think they have it hard but I mean damn, I am trying to do this it's so hard. I think for Christmas I am going to ask for a boxing class so that I can get into shape, and kick this guys ass if it comes down to it. I'll do it with the fake nails and in a cheer uniform  (: I don't have a lot to say. I kinda got high the other night and had 6 biscuits... I'm really ashamed of myself so I'mm going to the gym tomorrow and I'm going to try and work it all off.. The biscuit's have 170 cals each.... thats all I'm going to say. I love you guys and Thinlove you are so supportive, thank you! You are all so great(:

<3 Samantha