122.6lbs.. Way too fat.

I have come so close and I feel every morning when I get on the scale that there is going to be a terrible result like I thought there would be yesterday.. I also think there will be one tomorrow.. I feel like somebody fixed the scale, because I don't feel thin enough. Will I ever be thin enough? Will I ever be good enough for myself and the people around me. I listen to everything people say, and I am always hurt.. I listen to their deepest secrets and I keep their pain locked away with my own. But the pain is over flowing I want to be able to buy clothes with my new credit card, clothes that I love and I want to be able to love them on me. I want to be good enough for the world to see all that can become of me. I feel like if I get thin enough I will be beautiful ya know?? I keep telling myself, I'll stop, one day I'll be thin enough and I'll stop but the truth is I don't think it will happen. Why? Because when I look in the mirror all I see is pain, nothingness, and I hear people compliment me and it's lies. I know it is because I have those things on my arms that wiggle when I wave! I have cottage cheese thighs, I have saddle bags, I over flow out of my pants.. I am uneven, I am disgusting.. I am terribly disgusting.. I hate myself every second that I am disproved of  now. Which is always, every second I am hated, destroyed on the inside, starred at for the disgusting thing I am.. What in the world is that? I'm an out of control fatso, I need to control myself my weight, I need to control the things that happen in my life. The unpredictability is absolutely terrible!!!!! I can't handle it.. I cant do it anymore! I feel like hanging myself right now, really I do I am very tempted to go throw myself in the bayou with the alligators. They wouldn't want me though I'm too fat for them..