Does it count?

I had coliflower and special k then immediately puked it all up. Every last bit. But does it count? Should I wait to see if the scale cares? I know I feel like a filthy person for it, I am a terrible person for it and I'm a huge failure at everything. Nobody even wants to talk to me anymore. I'm more alone now than ever before. Although I know it will all be worth it in the end I just hate myself so much I am so stupid i cannot believe I fucking did that.. AHH does this mean i have to start over or if I still lost weight would you still count it as a fast? I think I may but I don't know anymore I just don't know because I am the biggest failure around.. I know I am, and I know I'll never amount to anything because I'm worthless. You know what I'm going to do rite now? I'm going to cut a very deep gash in my tongue so i simply can't eat because right now I m the fattest pig I know and I'm worthless and this is the only way right now because I am so sick of my worthlessness I am just done so here I go solving the issue. I'm just going to destroy the goddamn problem because after I cut it the only way they will get food in my body is through a tube. Which will never ever happen so FUCK THE WORLD AND SPECIFICALLY THE WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE BECOME!

Last night..

I was lying in my bed battling between myself and Ana, of course Ana won like usual. I'm not afraid of her for the most part but I am afraid of the thoughts that are becoming part of me. She decided i cannot eat until I hit 115.. Doing wonderfully so far I just bought 5 packs of cigarettes so they will keep me strong. Here is what scares me... You know how women naturally have hips and a little fat on them? I have a past of cutting and lately  actually every time I see myself I think I should cut it out.. Do you guys ever think about cutting yourself deep enough to suck the fat out with a straw? Also do you guys ever have dreams about food that seem so real you wake up in the morning thinking that you ate it and cry? That's what happened to me but then I realized it was just a dream.. Its scared the bujesus out of me though? Tell me about things that happen to you so I don't feel absolutely fucked up please!!!!!!! On the brighter side of life I've fakes some food today I'm very proud of that it takes some skill to do I think.. Lets all be happy morgans and kick this fat ass thing we all know we have going on. Kay? Okay(:

Happy, Happy, Happy as can be that's me! <3 Samantha

I failed to realize, I failed to eat. WHOOPS!

It got to around 8p.m. before I was like oh shit! It was awesome, now I'm drinking a diet Pepsi waiting for my cigarettes to arrive. That reminds me.. Coffee, smokes and cold Diet cokes that's what pretty girls are made of. Today was a relatively amazing day not for any particular reason I was just busy and had a fun day proving I am the best there could possibly be.. Well almost, I mean you guys know that I need to be better. Oh so homecoming is coming up and guess who needs to looks spectacular for that? Answer: I do, I have to go dress shopping soon because it's on September 17th I believe. Hey whats today's date? THE 30TH OHMYGOD I HAVE NO TIME AT ALL! OH well I can at least loose 15 pounds.. I will I swear, I say that all the time but I mean I lost 12 pounds in 12 days once so I'll do it in 15. I just have to have self control. A lot of self control and i have to distract the shit out of my brain.. I don't know how.. I'm starting to stress about this now. Oh have any of you noticed if your bedroom is sparkly and shiny you never eat? I did it always helps me (: Leave you're thoughts and comments I love to hear what you guys have to say. Oh and leave me links for blogs below okay? I love reading them!

SIMPLY FORGET <3 Samantha

Cuddling with a two liter of diet Mountain Dew

I've been walking around with this thing for like 6 hours, I'm almost finished with it and then I'll move onto diet Pepsi. I really wasn't planning on posting today because yesterday was my moms birthday so you can just imagine what I ate. Today I've had coffee and my dew so I'm good so far. My brother though he keeps trying to make me eat, I keep saying shut up and gimme a cigarette. I really don't have anything to say right now. So just stay strong and be good!

Long time.. 124.2 maintained.

So it's been a while I've had a lot of things going on, but right now I'm working on getting down again. I will I have that hungry feeling in my tummy and I'm loving it. I start a Catholic school soon and I'm not Catholic xD. This will be a fun adventure for sure. I've decided if some nun decides to be a bitch I'll tell her to spank me. My brother thinks they are going to try and drown me in Holy water, I'm down. I've also decided to take the biggest bible thumper there and make them atheist. All of this just because I'm a tad bit board but I'm also a vicious and disturbed person when I get board. Hence the reason I have been kicked out of so many fucking schools. This is all beside the point in the last week or so my weight climbed all the way up to 129.8. This scared me so bad, then I started chain smoking. Then I lost 5.6 lb and now I am on a fucking mission to be little. I like being little and I begged Ana to come back I promised her I wouldn't ignore her anymore and I won't. So today I had Activia and Starbucks. Oh something else that has helped me stay away from food is a new hobby. Knitting xD I feel so old when I do it but I mean it keeps your mind and body busy. It also burns calories like a mother fucker. I'm starting to notice i have some severe potty mouth that sucks. On to the next thing hearing Ana, we have to remember Ana knows best she really does. She will tell you when you are doing something wrong and scream until you stop. Provided you listen to her you can be successful at so much more than you ever imagined simply listen. Do as you would if she were standing right there reminding you of how fat you are and how ridiculous you look drinking anything but diet soda and coffee. Oh random I'm a pescatarian now I don't really like fish so it helps a lot to because you cant eat things with meat or drink milk. Yet you can eat fish, but I don't particularly like fish I can handle it but i don't like it so when I do eat I eat a hell of a lot less. I drink water a lot, oh and I pollute my coffee with this mint extract so that it tastes like candy canes but really you cant ever finish it because its really strong.  toodleoo I'll be posting more now I swear.

BEING EVIL IS FUN TEHE <3 Samantha

My mom is my biggest supporter, and my greatest enemy!

Okay, so yesterday she was all like I'm having a Big Mac, and then uncontrollably I went me too! So I had a steakhouse burger and fries but I got a diet coke.. Then today she is like we're fasting and I was like yesss, then she was all like well lets have fruit and I was like no I'm okay I'm fasting remember and she was like okay! What she doesn't know is I'm going to try to hold this fast for like three weeks LOL. I have this guy friend who may or may not be visiting from Arizona and I have to be very thin by the time he gets here September 1st. I'm so excited oh and I had a cotton ball today because well in my opinion they help with the fasts. They really do. Honesty I know I won't last 3 weeks I'll probably last like four days. That's okay though as long as I don't binge and if i take the cotton balls every day then I won't binge because you can't throw up food that you've binged. So that's that.

KEEP GOING!!! <3 Samantha

Warning!!!

Okay, so I didn't make it to 120 by Friday. I should have but I got dehydrated and binged my little heart out. I was craving something but I couldn't find what it was and I needed to have just a small bite of it. I kept eating and eating even when I was full something made me keep going. By the end of the day I had consumed.. oh god like1500 calories... Isn't that terrible! I did work out somewhat I did 800 bicycles but I mean I know what I did was wrong.. I should have puked and worked out all day but I couldn't bring myself to do it I got so depressed and I finished off my laxatives. The warning is to think, okay if I'm craving anything I should always go to water. Even if the water isn't what you're craving, it will fill you up. Food is very dangerous and we shouldn't allow it to control us, we control ourselves! I'm speaking more to myself than you guys but I am speaking to you as well. I really don't know what I'm doing now. This week I'm making my goal to be under 120 by a few pounds. I'm starting to realize this is going to be a bit of a struggle I just need to think when I find myself in the kitchen. You can just walk away.. You can just leave.. I hear that voice every time I walk near food "Just walk away from it" the voice says. I know I can listen to it, even though I'm struggling to do so right now you guys shouldn't. So please, hear my warning and understand water is the best thing that has ever happened to any of us! Oh and I didn't weigh myself today. I couldn't do it.

DRINK WATER <3 Samantha

Maybe I'm retaining water?

I'm at 122.2 now, and so I'm thinking period time? Because it is kinda late, but then again maybe I missed that? I mean that would be sooo awesome! But if I am retaining water then I need to drink tons, and I have pills to make sure you don't retain water. Today I've had like five cups of coffee xD fun stuff don't you think? I also have cheer so there will be ton's of sweat! Almost so much to the point of absolute exhaustion I'm sure. But I'm really hoping that I will be able to pull a two pound loss so that I can at least see the 120ish on the scale tomorrow so that I'm not a complete failure ya know? I was doing really well this week gah! But I'm going to stay positive drink tons and tons of water, and keep busy doing things that don't turn me into a fat zombie! I need to remember that every calorie count's I need to be in control of what I stuff in my face. OH, so I got sized for my cheer uniform early right? I was a size smaller than I was last time(: Te he I think I let that go to my head though because right after that I started gaining weight.. Ruhtroh! This is going to be a very short post but remember I love you guy's and I will achieve what I set my mind to just like I know the rest of you are doing. You are such an inspiration to me!

KEEP GOING!!! <3 Samantha

I really didn't want to face you guys.. 122.0

I fucked up, and ate some cookie dough yesterday and then a lean cuisine. Even though i worked out for two hours yesterday it wasn't enough and I gained almost half a pound.. So until I get to 120lbs I am fasting! I am, because I let my ego get ahead of me and I fucked the progress up!!!!! I was so close to seeing the 120 on the goddamn scale.. So close, but I still have time remember last Friday I said one week. I thought by the progress I was making I would be there before the limit I had made for myself. Wrong, I was hoping to exceed all of our expectations. I'm such a fool I really am! You know I really do not support cutting in anyway because I know the damages from personal experience and the stupid scars just don't go away. But I'm so disappointed in myself fasting and using more lax and exercising just doesn't seem enough anymore.. I am determined enough that there needs to be more of a punishment for the fat whore I am. Oh, I need to run from the fat girl that is still lingering inside of me.. She is trying to regain control and she wont! I hate that fat girl! Things are so much better as long as I'm getting thinner, life get's easier. I've become faster, I can jump higher, my perfectionist side is so vibrant that perfection hits me everywhere. But today I am not thinner and it's because I'm a goddamn disgusting person. I can't let us down, I just, I dunno. I am regaining the control and i will see 120 this weekend.

121.6 I am getting somewhere right?

As a friend of mine would put it I'm loosing but I still have a long way to go, I believe her when she says that. I must say though I am now thinner than Molly Reid, if any of you know who that is. I know it's really pathetic to be in competition with somebody who probably doesn't know I exist but I mean who cares right? I am naturally a competitive person! So I think today I am fasting because I need it and, because well I have nothing better to do than fast. I have cheer today and I may see that one vegan guy who by the way has mentioned to me that he doesn't want to get to emotionally involved because he is going away to college in a year. I heard that and what went through my mind was.. Okay if I get thin enough he will want me.. If I get thin enough I will be good enough right? If I get thin enough this will all go away and I can be happy again, I just have to be thin enough.. I'm just trying to figure out what "thin enough" is to me ya know? 110? No, no, 105? Well maybe 99.. Just because I haven't been under a hundred pounds since fourth grade! I'm now a sophomore. I feel so fat all the time.. So I'm doing something about it. Oh random thing yesterday I was walking, and this lady on a bike rides up to me and starts talking I complimented her on her rings and she gave me one! I tried to be all like noo it's okay..But she was like here!  Did I mention she was 37? Ha.. I want something else to tell you ya know? Something important, and life changing but really there isnt much to say other than keep your will power, and don't let the pain from food change what's going to happen. We are all getting thinner. Day by day, some more quickly than others but still.. Together I think that's why I love this blog so much it's creating a sense of community for people that don't really have that anymore (me).

STAY STRONG <3 Samantha

122.6lbs.. Way too fat.

I have come so close and I feel every morning when I get on the scale that there is going to be a terrible result like I thought there would be yesterday.. I also think there will be one tomorrow.. I feel like somebody fixed the scale, because I don't feel thin enough. Will I ever be thin enough? Will I ever be good enough for myself and the people around me. I listen to everything people say, and I am always hurt.. I listen to their deepest secrets and I keep their pain locked away with my own. But the pain is over flowing I want to be able to buy clothes with my new credit card, clothes that I love and I want to be able to love them on me. I want to be good enough for the world to see all that can become of me. I feel like if I get thin enough I will be beautiful ya know?? I keep telling myself, I'll stop, one day I'll be thin enough and I'll stop but the truth is I don't think it will happen. Why? Because when I look in the mirror all I see is pain, nothingness, and I hear people compliment me and it's lies. I know it is because I have those things on my arms that wiggle when I wave! I have cottage cheese thighs, I have saddle bags, I over flow out of my pants.. I am uneven, I am disgusting.. I am terribly disgusting.. I hate myself every second that I am disproved of  now. Which is always, every second I am hated, destroyed on the inside, starred at for the disgusting thing I am.. What in the world is that? I'm an out of control fatso, I need to control myself my weight, I need to control the things that happen in my life. The unpredictability is absolutely terrible!!!!! I can't handle it.. I cant do it anymore! I feel like hanging myself right now, really I do I am very tempted to go throw myself in the bayou with the alligators. They wouldn't want me though I'm too fat for them..

124.2 Miracles do happen!

Honestly yesterday I had two pop-tarts. I thought for sure in the morning when I woke up that I was completely screwed! I was thinking of not even weighing in because I just felt terrible.. I felt fat and disgusting, I felt like my life was ruined and I was thinking dear God I'm just going to quit. I'm going to delete my blog and go shrivel in a corner while I get fat. That's what I thought when I woke up. Then I went to the bathroom and decided to get on the scale because I was pathetic and needed to show myself that my fatness was terrible. When I got on it and saw the number I though the scale was broken. I thought there was absolutely no way in hell that I weighed what I did! I just thought it was impossible! So I weighed again and somehow I was a pound lighter than yesterday. The thing that surprised me is that I secretly thought it was impossible for me to get smaller than 125! I just thought I was a failure, that I always would be ya know? But this morning I feel like I was given a miracle, I'm so happy to be where I'm at. I'm so happy to have Ana by my side, I'm just so excited to be.. Well this! Now today I'm going to over load on lax to completely rid of those filthy pop-tarts. I'm also going to walk, and smoke because I just need it. Oh last night I was with this guy and he is vegan, and six foot tall, so you can imagine he is on the thinner side. Anyway, he had his arm around my waist and our hip bones were touching and I know that's sort of weird but to me it was the best feeling ever. #1 simply to be touched because that doesn't happen to me a lot. #2 To feel thin enough to have bones bumping(: It was amazing I dunno, but today being below 125 is so motivating! I don't know if you can tell but my confidence is sort of shooting through the roof right now. Oh and today I'm going to go walking simply for the exercise because we know I need it for reals! If any of you have miracle stories like I feel mine is today I'd love to hear about them! 

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE <3 Samantha

I'm addicted to cigarettes, and bones.

I know this sounds silly but you guys are keeping me going! Keeping my fast strong, and somehow keeping the excuses popping into my head! I love that so much, I really love the support this blog gives and the motivation. I owe you all a very big thank you. Okay so, I went through my text records and found that yesterday I was not 125-ish I was actually 126.4. Today when I weighed in I was 125.2! That was a goal of mine 125, according to my mom its what I should weigh, but I disagree I feel like I should be much much thinner than I am at this point. I can feel the fat on me jiggling around,  and laughing at my every movement and 125 is simply not accepptible, not at all. So as I've said many times before this week I will be 120. I think that is reasonable to ask of myself right? It's not like I'm saying loose twenty pounds in seven days, no. I'm allowing myself seven days to loose 5.2 pounds. Now with my secret weapons laxatives, and cigarettes I believe it can happen. Oh, and lets not forget I need to be at least 110 by the 22nd of August because that's when we get measured for our cheer uniforms. I intend to have baggy uniform anyway but today is August 6th, and I need to loose 15 pounds by the 22nd. That may not happen, wow I feel terrible now. I want to be so motivated! I am motivated don't you think? I really need to work out hard, because I did this one work out not too long ago where I did leg lifts in different directions to the length of a song on the radio and the next day I was two pounds lighter. Then I had to attend a bake sale for cheer and then I gained it right back. I think taking weight loss five pounds at a time makes things a bit easier. I feel like it makes the weight loss so much more conceivable, because we all know five pounds is easy enough to loose if you work at it.

Stay strong, for me and for you! <3  Samantha

I just know I will look like this soon enough

not to mention this is might as well be my dream outfit

:)I'm a hipster at heart(:

Honey I'm home!

Not as thin as I would like to be but I have missed blogging soo much. It felt like I lost a child, and with that semi-death comes less motivation to be perfect. Now I have nor gained,or lost any weight. This morning I was 125 something I can't quite remember but it's definitely better than the 139 I was not too long ago. Today I did fast, I also took some pills that make the water you retain go away. Recently I've been adding to my bad habits (not food) but I am a cigarette smoker in secret which is terrible.. Although I have stopped smoking weed, and spice which has helped the weight loss oh so much! But we'll see how long that lasts. I was going to break my fast and then my mom offered to buy me a laptop, and immediately I thought of you guys and how terrible it would feel to disappoint you any more than I already have. So today my followers were my thinspiration, tomorrow I am going to try to hold this fast, I'll take some more laxatives and hopefully make myself sick. I feel quite terrible saying that but you know, what has to happen simply has to happen. I have so many things I would love to tell you now but I think they should wait a bit just so I don't jinx myself. Anyway as today is Friday night, and I am alone which seems to be happening more and more frequently.. I'm going to read Ana/Mia blogs and try my hardest to stay motivated not to eat. I know the key is to simply keep my mouth shut and I will succeed, I will disappear into myself, I am a magician and Ana is my main attraction. I feel like I should tell you girls, and boys that failure is never an option in life if you would like to be worth anything. It is not okay to coddle your self when you fail. I will not, and I will not allow that from anybody surrounding me! Now for a little bit more inspiration I have some wonderful quotes for you.
 #1. "There is a difference between what a person wants and what's good for them."
        By this I mean, you may want food but it is not a necessity unless you act foolishly, and conform to the
        lies we've all been raised to believe are true. Go watch videos on YouTube.com, and type in 20, or 40
        day fasts. You'll see how euphoric it makes these people. Most of which are on spiritual fasts,
        and are not fasting because of Ana. These people are fasting for spiritual enlightenment,  and that's
        something we could all use.
 #2.  "Food is a luxury, we cannot allow ourselves to become gluttonous and fat!"
         I wish this quote had fallen from my brain, but as soon as I read it.. I felt the impact, and oh what an
         impact this has made.
 #3.  "You have come too far to take orders from a cookie!"
         Honesty I just love this because reading this is empowering in many ways.

  - I collected these quotes from books, and an Ana buddy. There are many more to come, I suppose this
    means more to me than I could have ever imagined! Because I spend my life collecting things to better it.

 On another side note, I have a cell phone now. So if you ever need motivation, or somebody to listen, shoot me an email and I'll do my best to see what we can do to fix that! sam.bell1@live.com

           XOXO I've missed my kids <3 Samantha..