There might be a long time before I can post again.. Weeks?

I know weeks sound like a long time, but in this world you have to remember that reality says that this is all just a waiting game. We can have as much control as we want but we have to wait to wake up in the morning to know how much we weigh. Well thats my ritual anyway, I promise I will not forget my goals. I will not forget the promises I made you guys. I will not forget what I told many of you, and thats that I will be 120 by monday morning and 114 by August 22nd. Realizing I'll reach the first waayyy before I reach the second I 114 by august 1st and 2nd? Yeah thats a week to loose ten-ish more pounds? I'm sure I can do it, infact I want to make it a challenge to get everybody motivated! I will not have computer access but I will try to log on if I get any before and after pictures with equal or more weightloss I will post it on my thinspo page! Oh and you can bet that when I return after said elapsed time you will get before, during, and after pictures as is my way of apologizing for this leave of absence. Wow... I just went all nerd on ya'll and just'a but country too :D Anyway I just really want to be inspirational, and motivational in this blog. I want the things I stay to stick with you instead of those oreo's we all know we want but can't touch. I want you guys to take from my blog a level of comfort and please return the favor I love hearing about how well, or not so well it's going and I love to hear it all and try my best to motivate you weather that be through tuff love or friendly competition. More than anything I want goals to be set, and achieved fast if not faster than the time we set for ourselve's. We all know there is something we could do to get thinner. If we get road blocks (hospitalizations) we don't let them get in our way, I mean I didn't and I won't. I hide, sneak, chew/spit, and flush food all the time. I dirty dishes and purpose-fully get yelled at so that they think I am eating. I swallow cotton balls and occasionally smoke cigarettes (only(now)). There are things we must do in the name of Ana feed the dogs so they get fat instead of us. Fine they can be fat and happy and we can be thin and happy. LIKE WE WERE MEANT TO BE. Thats all anybody ever wants of us, this perfection, and dammit I will perform. I hope not alone but if thats what it takes then so be it. Awesome thinspo on this sight by the way its where people go to find Super Models. So it's full of wonderful inspiration if you need some while I'm gone(: Oh and I added new thinspo too (:

  http://www.supermodels.nl/models/

127.2 this morning

I'm not going to lie to you I snacked.. A lot I let myself go I will pay for it I know I will I'm not feeling good about myself and my other thinspiring friends are starting to quite on me. I mean seriously we all struggle together I thoughts that what this was a support system.. Whatever I want to crawl up in my cave and be alone but I can't ever be alone its just one punch in the stomach after another I am in a futile mood and I'm ready to pounce! Seriously. I kid you not.  I want to kill some bunnies and well just a lot of people. I want to hurt everybody just like they hurt me. Because nobody will listen anymore I'm so alone. Always alone.
okay so today i had..
6 hot cheetoes
1/2 a thing of starbursts
1 skinny caramel machiato from starbucks
1 bk stacker from burger king...
1/4cookie and 1/4 a brownie
I would consider that a binge. I really didnt need the burger king.. i asked and didnt think that he would say yes but he did.. and i didnt puke it. I hate myself. I really do I can't even starve right anymore I hope ana will forgive me and that tomorrow it will not show on the scales how horribley I did.. that it will in fact do the opposite maybe.. that just maybe maybe i could be thinner just this once and i promise it wont happen again.. I wont let it.. I pray to ana some times.. Actually a lot.. Every night.. Right now I just want to pray and have her know that I am so sorrry for my binge that I need her iron strength tomorrow when I face those doctors again. That I know that I am no where near getting caught and that I think I can make it to my goal of 120 by monday. If she will just help me today and be there for me when nobody else is. She promised she would help me, help myself. I just had to give her everything. I mean fuck these doctors are trying to figure out why im having seizures, I could probably tell them its from the constant change in what I allow my food intake to be. I don't really have a strict thing but I think i should start because Im a very unorganized almost anorexic. I want to be perfect 100% and these slip ups are making me anything but. Not to mention I'm fat. I'm still fat and i hate it.



-4.1lb 129.9(:

I know thats not really a good weight to be at but considering my situation that means I lost a lot of weight yesterday. I won't get used to it or anything of course, but I will say that I am proud of myself. Even though I didn't work too hard for that but I did work. I will continue to work to get back to where I was and perhaps lower than that very, very soon. But like I said yesterday, Neurologist. Now I know she specializes in brain stuff but I'm sure they will take my weight. I think last time I was in the doctors office with my mom I had genes on and weighed 128(: I was very proud of that. Do you guys think I should water load? I mean it will be really hard. Eh no why should I? Well my parents sort of keep tabs on my weight. Me and my dad were talking about how often my weight fluctuates just the other day lol. My mom was telling me that I need to be 125. That, that is my ideal weight. I agree with her well no I dont I believe its lower than that. I'll let you know when I find it. Loosing weight is so easy I just wish it would come off faster!! I wish it would go lower. I wish I wish upon a star that my days were better spent doing something productive like updating my blog with new pages? Yes I think coming soon we will have a tips and tricks page. But I don't just want this blog to be anorexia, or just bulimia or just eating disorders. I really want something real on my blog because it isnt just a blog it's like my baby. So wish my luck my darlings.. <3Samantha

Also britt you can do it I know you can just remember this.

Force fed...

I had two seizures on Sunday morning, and just like the last ones I was taken to the hospital..
Unfortunatley that means that I was treated like shit force fed and therefore instantly gained a gazzillion and twenty pounds. No I just went back up to like 135, which  is ew. Now everybody is treating me like a baby, I can't go to cheer "just incase" I have another seizure even though my coach is a trained EMT. So I'm stuck at home in a groggy mess. But I'm back on the band wagon today, I have a doctors appointment with a neurologist on thursday whatever that means. I just heard dr. and got the shit scurred out of me :p I mean I know I am at a more than healthy weight now which is discusting. In my opinion my healthy weight was where I was at so this just means that I have to work twice as hard to get back down thats all. I'm sure my mom would help me loose some weight if she were around but her time is better spent away from us. <- that was a joke she loves us but she does agree that my healthy weight is 125, she thinks I should be that if not lower with a very thin waste. 21 inches in her eyes is what it should be.. its not. So I need to work. Very hard.

 

I think it helps...

Some how Ana, always loves me. 126.2

I woke up to a wonderful feeling, bones. I counted them 7 ribs on each side. I also wasn't punished for my splurge I still lost a pound. I feel like I could have lost more if not for that, but I'm back on the wagon and I will be beautiful. I have some questions, are any of you on anti-depressants? I'm going on them and I'm worried about possible weight gain. I'm also ubber curious about tanning any tricks? For cheer I need to be thin, tan, and all together perfect. I'm supposed to go to a swim party at my gym today with the team so I want to be tan but they're uh having nachos and hot-dogs, and soda, and brownies.. Just bad things I want to go but I hate swimming but its water aerobics it just sounds like a chore, maybe a punishment for yesterday ugh. Well somebody is coming upstairs 

Depression meds this weekend.

So thats self explaniatory. well i ate. 700 cals. maybe ill loose probably not. tomorrow i will do the time for the crime. I just thought you should know im a failure, and have no selfworth left. I have issues dont we all. fuck. whatever. s

127.2

If my horrible math skills are correct that's 11.8 pounds lost! WOW, a huge part of me just want to say nananana specifically to my mother  and to people who don't believe in me. I want to have something wise and beautiful to say but I really don't have too much other than keep going. Oh you know what I wanted to ask if you guys would comment and let me know how you sleep at night because the insomnia thing is catching up with me my mind starts racing and I just have to think, think, think. I want a way to rest it entirely. Last night I probably fell asleep at 4 a.m. and its about 9 a.m. here now I just woke up and had to share the wonderful news! I'm excited to be lower and lower. I decided when I get to 120 I will take another full body picture of myself and add it to the blog. Still working ultra hard on adding thing for you I know how hard it can be. If any of you want an Ana buddy feel free to message me your email!

<3 Samantha!

Anorexia I love you!

I have no idea how people find it so difficult maybe its because I take my problems and internalize them, then I reward myself by not hurting anybody or anything and losing weight! Today i had three wheat thins and that was it(: I cant wait to be below 120 and at this rate it will be soon! You can all do this its a breeze and eating is so useless! Water energizes too, and you get though the pain and exhaustion and realize how worth it keeping your mouth shut really is! This is a great way to release stress and feel beautiful. I know this is a short post but you will hear from me tomorrow I promise my darlings I love you all! NO DRUGS! (:
<3 Samantha!

129 TODAY!(: EEEKK

Girls, and boys, I know so many times we have had this convorsation and last night I found it true. The only person that will be there for you is your mom (ana). Other mothers just don't understand.. Mine for instance last night said a few things that will have damaged me forever, the first was that when she was fifteen she had a twenty three inch waste and since I have a twenty six inch waste I have bad genes. She gave me this look as if i will never be good enough and literally turned her back on me. Later that night she repeatedly told me how worthless I really was and that I truely had my head so far up my ass it was a wonder how I survived, thanks mom. Emotionally damaged samantha quickly ran off to her room to bleed herself to zero.. Didn't work. But the one person who was there was ana, I could almost feel her soft strokes on my hair as she told me how well I was doing and that if I just try a bit harder, be more productive and eat nothing, that others would see me to be as beautiful as Ana aleady knows I am. I am so thankful for ana and I hope you all are starting to get as successfull as I am. I'm starting to add new pages to my blog and there is now a music player at the top enjoy(:

I need to post every single day now.

So I figured I would let you know how great I am doing. Less than a week ago I weighed a WHOPPING 138 pounds. Today I am 131.2! That's 7.8 pounds(: This just proves when you pray to Ana, and you want something more than anything else. When you need to be thin to be the best you can be, she will help you. Ana will love you, and coddle you as her child because that's what you are. You are her aching child growing smaller into dreams that she can make reality. This is not a war this is a support system. Ana says when your feeling week the best way to go is drink water until you want to throw up, and go to Youtube.com and watch the success stories that you could soon add too! These stories are so inspiring and true! Ana will be part of us forever. When people say the first and second day of fasting are the hardest they're not kidding. After those initiation days you become a priestess of Ana, but if you defy her you should be ready to feel her horrible wrath, and her screams. When you eat its as if trying to commit suicide, Ana cries when she see's her sons and daughters so miserable that they eat their pain. As your fat bubbles around your face and thick thighs, your closest friend, your mother lays on her death bed in agony trying to figure out what she did wrong. When we all know it was never her fault it was all our own.. Honestly I have two tips and tricks for you right now.. that are so amazing! The first is cotton balls, they work wonders and if you're ever feel hungry swallow three or four of these babies and drink some water to get them down. Once in your stomach combined with water they expand so that you feel full four hours!  Another trick is pills, sleeping pills, laxatives, and water pills. The combination makes you pass out from tiredness so you aren't tempted to eat. Boosts you energy when you are awake and laxi's and water pills push excess food out and rid of water weight. Another trick I have recently come upon is one that is absolutely genius! Counting bones, whenever you count your bones its so much easier to imagine them becoming more and more visible to the point  of emaciation! So for those of you who think you can survive a measly month with out food, welcome to the wonderful world of success. I guess We'll meet the winners on the other side. I'm going to make a point to try and update every single day. Very Long and motivational posts, as well as try to add more Thinspiration  and music Samantha <3 You!!!

One month. I promised Ana, one month

In one month I will not eat even a little tiny bit of food. Not one bit I am anorexic and I owe it to the world to know that. So I will post before and after pictures I will be so thin and emaciated that people can tell just by looking that i have an eating disorder i seek help in only those who will fast with me. I prayed to Ana and i owe her my eternal survitude. I am fat and she can fix me one month is all it takes. I will be emaciated hospitalized and recognized you just watch me transform, you just watch. For all of you none believers I believe in the unbelievable and Ana is taking my one step at a time. The only thing that will pass my lips is water. The only pure thing around. I have one month until I am fitted for my cheer uniforms and I will be thinner than my already anorexic coach. I will forget how to hold a fork and I will never allow myself such weekness as food again

137..

I'm way to fat for comfort.. I sleep well at night and I eat regularly and and I am way to fat. My coach is having the team do conditioning for a month once a day. So I'm doing double what he gives twice a day. I also found the most wonderful fucking machine ever! Its called caloriecount and its free! You give it your current weight and height then you type in ever food you have had that day and the presise amount. Its helpful to know the brand if your in any sort of doubt. You give it your breakfast lunch and dinner and snacks and things like that and it tells you exactly how many calories you had and the fats in them and things like that. I found it to be so amazing because its always really hard to know exactly.. Not with this though I am so excited guys (: Seriously! This is great. Anyway right now I am chubby and need this because I gave up throwing up.. I think.. I'm proud of that but i need to still keep my weight down and obviously its like impossible so I refuse to be heavy.. I need to lose twenty pounds. Wow. Alright well here is the link.
http://caloriecount.about.com