Old photo's

SO this summer when I was oh say, 120.6 I had awesome bags under my eyes that i now look at as if they were badges. It only took a week or so to get there (120.6). Oh and I have a new reason to not eat. My step mom has had breast cancer for about 7 years now. She went through kemo and all that jazz. She had a Double masectamy (I def. didn't spell that incorrectly.) It's where they cut your boobs off, in case you didn't know. But guess what! Afters half a million dollars in doing that it didn't work. Instead it spread to her... wait for it. Brain! But not just that! Her Bones! OH and we cannot forget her lymphnoids! So a few weeks ago her heart stopped and my dad recesitated her. Then called the ambulance. She was pissed. She is literally just waiting to die. Now I am quitting cheer so I can go spend time with her and my step siblings before that entire part of my life dissapears. Fuck cancer I'm going to kill it.! Oh and did I tell you! I'm writing a book so now I have something to keep me occupied yay me. So last time I weighed I was 136.6 I hate that I am maintaining that what the hell. Fuck the world it is just not on good terms with me right now. So I guess what I'm saying is that as always i hate food and im going to stop. I really do and I want to be able to wear a super sexy dress to her funeral because in utah my whole family thinks im this fat bitch. I'm like wtf? whatever. I have to prove them wrong I really really do. I have to be more perfect than my cousin. You know what I just thought about that would be super weird? what if one of my step brothers hit on me because im old enough now ewies. I dont think they would because we grew up together but could you imagine that?! wow i just noticed i type really quickly now because im a badass. No I just spend A LOT of time on the computer. Not to mention all through grade school starting in kindergarten they put these black covers over our keyboards so that we had to learn where all of the keys were. wohala! Now I can officially be one of those people in court that types every single word said and be a badass. Sorry Im in such a weird mood. Oh and I cant sleep and I hate it. I don't know why. Now im just sort of rambling on. SO do you think I can be 115 by the time i go to utah? it must happen i have a lot to prove to everybody that knows me there. and to myself  I've felt like i had to puke a lot but I dont really actually do it my stomach is just upset. Also i was thinking! We go all night long without food why can we never double thaat and just fast. Hey knew Idea!! Im going to see if I can fast but I have to remember and maybe I'll write the word utah on my wrists. Oh speaking of wrists i cut yesterday oops im not sure why. Sometimes I just get extremely suicidal and now I have to got to cheer looking like a cutter. people will notice because they are always all up in my buisiness but I think that i can put make up over it like I did before when i cut. Oh I just realized something. there is a three day rule to not eating that makes it so much easier. so just eat nothing for three days and then you just magically dont even want food. oh and the second you do put food in  your mouth its terrible because then you want more and more blah blah blah. Sorry Im switching topics a lot and have absolutley really not a lot of good points nor am I maintaining any sort of flow I just dont care right now I have to get all of this out to somebody and you ladies are definatley the ones I want to get it out to. Do you think I will be able to finish my book? I sure hope so it's going to be called to hell and back tis about a heroine adict that breaks a promise to god, and breaks all of the ten commandments and god shows him all of the levels of hell in his dreams and lets him experience the pain. JD the main Character learns from each dream and eventually makes it to purgatory and recovers. I'm really hoping it will get some of my friends off of drugs and maybe I can leave some sort of effect on the world.

<3 samantha sry for the spelling errors and what not