I fucking hate myself.

So I had the most amazing boyfriend.
He was smart.. He wasn't just smart though. He was a fucking genius.
Lets call him Micky, Micky and I were together for what seems like eternity.
I cannot explain with words how much I love him..
I realized with watching a lot of people in my life the first love.. Thats the worst.
Why? Because for the rest of your life you look for that in other people.
I mean I'm serious when I say he was Perfect. Micky loved everything I loved
he just stumbled into my lap. I gave up a best friend for him. I fell so hard.
I changed bad things about myself, I wanted to be perfect.
I'm kinda starting to look back and realize even though I was in love with him beyond belief
he triggered me. With our relationship start, and unfortunately the end. He told me he loved me took my virginity, and when I moved he promised he wouldn't forget. He did. He said bye, he fell out of love.
He was everything I wanted.
 He was my first, he is perfect and I won't settle for anything better than him.
He ruined me. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
I'm fucked. So I decided Ana is my suicide attempt if you get where I'm going.
I'll get to zero or dye trying because even if I'm not perfect enough for my family or my love. I'm going to be perfect enough for myself.
Personal stats-
HW-135lbs FAT ASS
CW-125lbs STILL FUCKING FAT
LW-117lbs FATFATFAT
CTGW-111lbs NOT EVEN LEAN
LTGW-0LBS PERFECT <3 OR DEAD
either works.
How about some words from Ana?
To my lovelies.. You try so hard to perfect your grace, your getting close- ish. Still everything you do could be perfect. You know that every pound of your horrible fat is something that holds you back. You know that at night while you toss and turn over the millions of calories you ate, aching for more I am willing to help if your willing to give me everything in order to be PERFECT. Are you willing? It isn't slow, I am abrupt, I'm not gentle, I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you what they're thinking when they stare at you. The whispers and giggles. I can hear everything I know that they see your fat giggling, you all ignore it but now. Now its time to take action. Even though everybody else lies because they're trying to make you fat. I never will. I'll always remain true. Never believe other girls and boys. They're all liars. Listen to me, praise me, and I will help you.

NO PAIN NO GAME<3-  Samantha