The Math today.

I went to cheer, and had a wonderfully enduring work out. (:
I also have discovered sugar free chocolate chip ice cream gum!
Wonderful don't you think? I do, lets hope this fixes it!.

Now obviously I didn't discover this wonderful gum until later on in the day, after my cookies ha!
Anywhoo.. This is my caloric intake for the day I know its a lot but, for a bulimic girl this is so fantastic beyond words of description! Ready?
                             1cup of Organic tomato soup            90    calories
                             1 diet Mountain dew                           0    calories
                             1 diet Dr. Pepper                                0    calories
                             1 &1/2  stick of my magic gum            7.5 calories
                             4 peanut butter cookies (boxed)      220    calories
                        +________________________________________
                             Total caloric intake for the day at     317.5 calories
NO PUKING! (:
 I wish i could write more but my brother is in my room snooping around me
with love
-Samantha <3          

Heart Hurts..

I was throwing up. & I believe I found chunks of my esophagus in it or something. It was a weird texture and as soon as it came up there was a lot of dizziness which is okay I love the high of dizzy I don't know.. But my heart hurt as well, it still hurts actually.  I didn't know if I should tell you but I think I should. I'm so indecisive. I know I can't tell my family. Also all of my friends think i have skin cancer we shall see, we shall see. Part of me hopes I have to have chemo therapy or something cool like that! Then I would loose tons of weight, but I'd loose my hair but it would be okay because then it would grow back and I would be all that much closer to zero!!!!!I hate food. I'm just saying, it's poison to your body in so many ways and is so fatty. I hate it I hate it I hate it!
100+100+110+50+120+80+100=540 calories... today
I am so ashamed of that number.. that's 220 over what I wanted..
I told you food is poison. Also I didn't throw up today and I hate myself.
I really have failed you guys..
But I saw the oreos and I didn't eat them I saw them and didn't eat them! I am so proud of myself for that
being all bulimic and stuff that is really hard.

I'm in the midst of crisis.

This is wonderful internet machine I'm on is my brothers laptop, but don't be angry if I don't blog for a few days.
My personal laptop is broken and refuses to be fixed ha. Actually I have to find the warranty for it first.
Now, to get down to business. I need an Ana buddy because I'm a failure.
I'm re-reading wasted by Marya Hornbacher for like the 5th time, and I'm trying to get into this Arts boarding school in Michigan. It could be so helpful for  me and my writing future could depend on if i get accepted. I want to go so badly. If I did, I would have to move again, I would be there focused on writing but the reason I really want to go  is nobody will be watching my eating habits! Isn't that wonderful?
Two of my favorite books in the world the authors went to and mention Interlochen and I'm already in love with it! I mean because I'm home  schooled I probably won't get in, I'm so smart but I don't have the transcripts to prove it.. But I've never wanted something so badly! What do you think? This school is just like college and has a long legacy for being absolutely wonderful, colleges kill for the kids that graduate from this place I kid you not. Oh I want to go more than anything I could really use somebody to talk to right now... sam.bell1@live.com
no words from ana today, and no picture.. I'm so depressed..

Hot&Cold

What, does anybody expect out of life?
Personally I would love to hear anyone's view on what they would expect.
I know plenty of religious people who've decided their lives are to be devoted to the man upstairs.
Then there are the people like the ones in my family, who have religious views but decided life is a come down from heaven. We're here to be miserable, so we can be all high off of death when the time comes. That was more of a stupid drunken idea but It's a cool theory. Anyway, people just seem to be dropping dead around me lately I'm sick of having to waste my energy on wondering what we could have done. I'm actually hoping frequently that the next breathe I take is going to be my last. I'm sure I could regret that but today, I don't. I'm still hoping, that maybe tomorrow I'll have a beautiful epiphany and realise life is worth living. Unlikely, but eh whatever I'll leave the option open. Now for the answer I need, whoever sees this post if you do, if anybody does. Email me sam.bell1@live.com
WHY? Because I am not talking to just the wide open space, I want answers dammit. If there is a GOD somebody reply to me.
On the eating disorder side of life, fuck it for the day. I'm in serious need of caffeine, or sleep and very soon.
Ana hates me just like the rest of the world. Guys are pigs that take your number and never call back, and I want to be acknowledged as a life worth living, a talent, or a beauty. The only way people ever acknowledge you as special is when your dead. I realized today my blog, or the fact that I keep up with it now is a secret aside from one person her name is Caitlyn, she's pretty cool.
Thinking that a nun's life is the way to go today, any thoughts?
I'd make a hott nun.
O god I forgot!
Ana tells me that being called hot, means your fat. Now, I know that sounds dumb but it makes sense.
How? Well if your actually thin, then you have no body fat to keep you warm with so you have to walk around with tons of layers on just to keep a normal body temperature.
So If your "hot" your fat, and covered in tons of insulating blubber.
So the term hot is really somebody blatantly telling you your a whale, and you need to lose weight because your a nuisance to society.
That makes so much sense right?  I know Ana is a genius!
Get cold- Samantha Loves you <3

This, is art. With an interesting beauty I love it!

I hate weekends.

I eat on weekends. 

Today I had  Taco bell, and Red beans and rice, and some cookies, and some ice cream.

Gah! I'm useless it's dumb. I'm wondering if I really have any followers or if I'm just like talking to some wall called the internet. I want to solicit my site, yet I can't because I don't know anybody thats actually supportive of Ed's. Except of course the other girls with sites. One I constantly follow annaxoskinnyxoblogspot.com, you should check her out. 

Anyway I feel like Ana, leaves me on weekends. Now I need to go throw up but I can't because I'm sleeping over at my friends house? Dumb. I didn't really want to but I did. I'm over here too much. I dunno.

I'm trying to blog everyday but I think today is a sort of pointless one since I'm trying really hard to be a role model. But how could somebody look up to a fat pig like me.. Ya know? I really need an Ana buddy that responds a few times daily. If your interested in being supportive, and competitive with me then email me at sam.bell1@live.com

I wish this post were some how inspirational. Gah I'm such a loser.

Wanna see if Ana has anything to say?-

Ana speaking to everybody, you need to stay strong I shouldn't have to tell you no. Your going to gain so many pounds if you even let you bit of those fatty calories pass your stupid lips!!!! You. My darlings should have the common sense, fear of food is something you should have already developed. I want you to be able to count your bones. I can't control you, you need to have control and you shouldn't eat when you get bored (Samantha). Your still a role model your just a dumb one that needs work. Needs control tomorrow you need to have self control.

 MIND OVER MATTER. Control yourself- Love Sam <3

I fucking hate myself.

So I had the most amazing boyfriend.
He was smart.. He wasn't just smart though. He was a fucking genius.
Lets call him Micky, Micky and I were together for what seems like eternity.
I cannot explain with words how much I love him..
I realized with watching a lot of people in my life the first love.. Thats the worst.
Why? Because for the rest of your life you look for that in other people.
I mean I'm serious when I say he was Perfect. Micky loved everything I loved
he just stumbled into my lap. I gave up a best friend for him. I fell so hard.
I changed bad things about myself, I wanted to be perfect.
I'm kinda starting to look back and realize even though I was in love with him beyond belief
he triggered me. With our relationship start, and unfortunately the end. He told me he loved me took my virginity, and when I moved he promised he wouldn't forget. He did. He said bye, he fell out of love.
He was everything I wanted.
 He was my first, he is perfect and I won't settle for anything better than him.
He ruined me. Mentally, physically, emotionally.
I'm fucked. So I decided Ana is my suicide attempt if you get where I'm going.
I'll get to zero or dye trying because even if I'm not perfect enough for my family or my love. I'm going to be perfect enough for myself.
Personal stats-
HW-135lbs FAT ASS
CW-125lbs STILL FUCKING FAT
LW-117lbs FATFATFAT
CTGW-111lbs NOT EVEN LEAN
LTGW-0LBS PERFECT <3 OR DEAD
either works.
How about some words from Ana?
To my lovelies.. You try so hard to perfect your grace, your getting close- ish. Still everything you do could be perfect. You know that every pound of your horrible fat is something that holds you back. You know that at night while you toss and turn over the millions of calories you ate, aching for more I am willing to help if your willing to give me everything in order to be PERFECT. Are you willing? It isn't slow, I am abrupt, I'm not gentle, I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you what they're thinking when they stare at you. The whispers and giggles. I can hear everything I know that they see your fat giggling, you all ignore it but now. Now its time to take action. Even though everybody else lies because they're trying to make you fat. I never will. I'll always remain true. Never believe other girls and boys. They're all liars. Listen to me, praise me, and I will help you.

NO PAIN NO GAME<3-  Samantha

Its about control.

So I guess I'm bulimic, whatever.

I'm turning this into a PRO ANA/MIA blog

That's not the point, the point is that I realised today in getting my food up

the rule of life is mind over matter. It seriously works. 

I thought to myself puke, suddenly I just did.

IT WAS AWESOME!

Then I thought puke all of it, and there it came every chunk.

Also I've been watching so many Ana/Mia movies you wouldn't believe, the enormous amount of tips that comes in them. Of course you do have to be looking but its not hard to see. If you can manage to stay focused. My favorites are Thin, and For the love of Nancy. If your looking for a Thinspiring T.V. show watch Supersize vs. Superskinny. 

Oh I know this is a bit off topic but, I recently moved into a new house and I have my own bathroom now.

I share absolutely no walls with anybody in my family. The only downside is its right near the living room. Fortunately the only time people are in the living room is when the T.V. is on. (:

My new room is like Puktopia! I'm loving it.

The point of today's entry is that you can do anything and its mind over matter. 

Your brain belongs to you, control it because your brain is the only thing you have can have control of.

USE THAT TO YOU ADVANTAGE!

-Stay thin Sam. <3