Gangs..

Okay, so this guy I totally like. Lately, well one of the three or four. I found out he's in a gang.. So depressing.. Not cool what so ever! I don't know what I should do, so I decided I would ask you guys. Eventually I'll make my own decision. So I figured I would ask now. Read the comments if I get any.. and then I guess I'll go from there.. I really want this drug I know I'll be able to get with him.. Thats horrible.. I'm using him for drugs.. He is really hot though. He's 16... Gah!
Btw the drug causes like serious weight loss. fuck

fat day

Look I am in a very self concious mood. I have no friends to be with right now so fasting is made pretty easy i had some starbucks and 3 slices of  honey ham. 3 is my number ha if you didnt notice. Anyway i feel sick right now, which I'm not okay with. I look like a fucking oompa loompa.  I am just a hot mess which is really bad. Im realizing just how fat I really am I'm just disgusting. Today's calorie count is 390+60=450.. Im done for the day I  hate myself. I really do hate myself Im lonley and I feel like i need to get high but honestly I dont because all i do is uncontrolably eat. So I guess being in controll is what I need. I have a huge fucking headache. So I guess i'm going to lay up here and watch tv and go to bed at 11:26 am. on a saturday.. What a fail.. Its been a few hours since I had that starbucks fuck I want to throw up.. But I want to sleep through  the weekend first I need to go check my weight. I have jeans and a jacket on too lol my fat ass is back to 134.4 told you i was fat! gah im only eating black coffee and chicken broth now. im also staying home for a good week.

My other half..

Am I allowed to love myself and have an eating disorder?
 Because I do love myself.. A little bit, and I love my eating disorder..
I squash it a lot but then I get told something else that triggers. Then squash then trigger. I am forever playing Russian roulette. I am bugged by it so much. I just want to be an anorexic but I am bulimic and I know what to do to be anorexic but no matter how Ana I am I eat then I'm bulimic. That fast. The grass is always greener on the other side though right? But its wrong I don't want recovery I want thinness. You know what I need? A douche bag guy to tell me whats wrong with me. Or to fall in love then have a bad break up. Not one that boosts my confidence.. Guys trigger me to be thin.. Family triggers me to eat.. Then my head tells me to throw up. The fact that I understand why is recovery. But I keep on living with it makes and it make me happy, I love it because its part of me. So I love me.

Martin Luther King.. Retriggered.

I have a dream, I forgot my dream my intellect my entire persona left me when I began to focus on anything but Ana! I forgot even who I was and what my goals were I forgot that if nobody in life wants me I am going to show them what they are missing. Beauty on the inside is for fat people and hunger is the word that the world revolves around. It doesn't take that long to not eat and it isn't that hard. SO many girls do it so I will too. If I have to purge goddammit I am going to go purge! Only pussies ever have to purge so I am going to make sure i don't let any of those fat molecules pass my lips ever again. This ladies is a choice, you can choose  not to be and you can remember that she helps. I have remembered and I am listening for her in your blogs. Please help. Words from Ana?
Hi hunny I missed you today you remembered something that reminded you I will always be there. Your coach neglected you hunny I understand.. He forgot your existance I get it though because I have been there, you wont ever get it unless you try. hard to get his attention. Get it, the little girls have it because he barely has to spot it! I love you hun <3 All of you I understand and I will only ever be the one that understands. 

Be free with three days, or more.

So, I had this fast thing going on. Then I went to New Orleans... Wow, that was such an amazing city! Jazz music on the corner and of course a battle of the bands! But with it came so many people to learn from and so much food. Food is the f word to me.. I hate the word food. But I ate. Not too much luckily well until the last day. But I have been drinking Starbucks everyday, and now I'll probably go smoke and then get some Starbucks. I have a friend over and she is really chill! So I have to make this short. I really cant say a lot for myself I haven't really lost weight.. Because I haven't been throwing up or trying and I have been high a lot.. Therefore this whole losing weight thing is not working.. I am going on a fast until friday. With Brittney well I believe her fast stops today but mine wont.. I just have to hate myself enough when I get high so that it won't happen anymore. So that I can purge freely, fast freely. BE FREE! I want to be free of hunger and that comes after a three day fast.