constipation. 134

My sides are so sore I'm trying so hard to lose weight it's just not working, im not even hungry today. I can't finish my food because everything smells discusting. Not exactly anything wrong with that. I really need to work on losing anyway. My mom gave me some of her diet pills so I can do the duty lol. This sucks, I try and lose weight for my cheer stuff and then I gain it all back. I need this. I hate myself. Sometimes I try and act like I don't have an E.D. but I do. Every time I eat I want to hurt myself. I am so sick of being fat. SO I heard that this rolling pin thing makes cellulite go away and that sounds cool so I'm going to try that along with plastic wrap around my problem areas and see if it works. I'm curious to see. I'm also adding cotton balls into my regular regimen because those have always worked. I decided that while the Ritilin works with focus, my mind is always focused on food and so I eat because I am always focused on it. My mind is better on its own when i can be in control. Did I ever explain to you how my mind is divided? Into three parts, three people. I can't explain it never mind, but if any of you happen to understand then please let me know. I'm very happy today even though it may not seem like it. I'm sorry for my lack of posting but I'm not to motivated.

<3 Samantha

Love your comments!

Okay ladies, I have a good reason for not posting on Monday and Tuesday. Well Monday not really.. Anyway Monday I unfortunately got high. Bad Sam, then yesterday I got my Ritalin from my dealer wanted to test it out and see how that curbed my appetite, it didn't. So I ordered some adderal but I have to pay for it so it may be some time before I actually get it. So anyway I'm 134 again. It's going to take some serious work to get back down. I obviously won't have lost 10 pounds this week. I'm so angry with myself! It's okay though because it's not too late for me to still be around 115 by Christmas. I Just need to take it one day at a time ya know? I was standing in the mirror last night just talking to myself reminding myself how I look, how terrible I look. I took some before pictures and I want to have some after pictures. At 120 I'm going to post afters and then if, and when I get below my ATL. I'll post pics every 5 pounds after 120. Gosh I'm so ready to be small I can barely fit into any of my clothes anymore I'm so fat I always wear sweats and huge T-shirts because I'm getting really big... I want to be really small! Today I've taken 1/2 of one of the Ritalin, I figured since I have them I may as well take it  lol. I've taken my normal Lamotrigine for my epilepsy. Had a sip of coffee and its 12:07 here. I have a stomach ache so I'm really not hungry but I am focused. I don't have a lot to say but I love ya'll have fun and try not to eat darlings!

<3 Samantha

Ready set, fuck.

Like I thought i was forced to eat. I wanted to purge so bad but couldn't. I managed to hit the gym for 45 minutes and burn 400 cals so that was good but I had to eat on the way to Florida, in Florida, and when I got home from Florida. Oh, by the way we placed third. Our music cut off in the middle of the routine and we had to start over because the judges weren't paying attention. Whatever no the point i am going to work out in my room when I'm done with this post. I won't weigh until tomorrow i'm going to cross my fingers and hope for 130? OH GOD. I'm ruined i am so fat! I did flush some of the food I had to eat down the toilet and thats good. I'm going to guess i had 3,000 calories this weekend. Maybe 2,500 I hope. Oh my gosh I am going to have to work out so much tonight to burn this off. I did walk around a lot and work out this weekend but i don't think I lost weight at all, I may even have gained some so sad isn't it!. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I think I'm going to go ahead and try to ppost the routine some time but no promises

<3 work hard I'll post tomorrow! Samantha

Yesterday I guess I was 131.8 sad but today i am 130.2.

I'm sort of, well really upset that I'm not under 130 yet. I really wanted to be and now I just, I can't handle this i have to go on stage tomorrow and I really don't want to embarrass myself! So scared but not really because I feel like I'll mess up. I'm scared because i feel like i'm going to stand on stage and get moo'd at I feel like when i go to Florida I will get judged because  I'm way bigger than everybody else. I've realized i can't exactly be 125 tomorrow the way I would love to be. I wonder if that was even possible? I still plan on trying to lose two pounds tonight. Anyway, this week I'm making my Christmas goal just a little bit harder. A friend and I are trying to lose ten pounds this week instead of just 7. I am aware I'll have to fast this week so I'm going to go ahead and try to pick Monday, Tuesday, and maybe Sunday? I'm not sure lol. I will be 120, I know i set ridiculous goals all the time but this seems a bit more plausible. All week I'm still going to be aiming for the pound a day yet working for a little more than that. If I lose 1 1/2 pounds 6 of the seven days this week i can do it. It sounds really hard too but it's possible. Today I'm going to get my nails done. I'm going to walk there. It's a three mile walk to the salon, and a three mile walk back. That should waste some time right hahah. I want to lose the .2 on the 130 today and get below it. Gosh I'm just rambling on and on and on. Sorry okay, well here's some thinspo!  

<3 Samantha

 

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!!

Today I'm hoping I'll lose more. I'm hoping I'll have more control I'm hoping I'll be in the 120's again. I miss the 120's I've gained some serious weight and it wasn't just water weight it was fat. I'm glad I'm doing this again. I am 130.8lbs this morning I think. Well my scale kept doing the oddest thing, it would change back and forth between 130.8 and 131.8. I'm really scared because I may have only lost a half pound, or I could have lost a pound and a half. I'm worried i really am. Just to make sure I'm going to do some extra work outs today on top of cheer, I know it's going to be excruciating but it's going to be worth it. We just have to see. I'm so worried about this weekend I'm going to Florida for my competition, I live in Louisiana. Florida will be so fun, and I'm almost positive we are going to place as long as we don't do something really stupid like drop a stunt. Oh gosh.. We can do this we can. There will be first, second, and third place and there are 4 teams competing in my division so as long as we don't screw up majorly we'll be alright. I've decided I am eating breakfast that morning and i won't be able to weigh unless the hotel has a scale. I'm pretty sure it does but just in case not to mention I don't really trust any scale but my own, but I can't even trust that one. I plan to come home Sunday and blog Monday morning because that's my annual weigh in time. I refuse to weigh after I eat or drink anything. Are ya'll losing your pounds? This isn't supposed to just be me it's supposed to be all of us ladies! We can do this! 25lbs by Christmas no excuses, we don't need any diet pills, or cotton balls. We don't need to fast if we don't want to. Honestly I think this is a healthy diet well as healthy as you can be when you have an E.D. If you planned on gaining weight this holiday season think again you will not be the statistic and neither will I. Like I said yesterday we aren't going to have to set a new years resolution to lose 25 pounds because we will have already done it!!!

<3 Samantha

Be good so you don't get coal in your stocking!

A pound a day will get you to your goal weight!

My scale suddenly switched back to lbs. so I had to look up how much 60.6 kg was so that I knew how much i weighed yesterday which was 133.6, such a fatty right. Today I'm 132.2 not bad I'm still working on that whole drop 10kg though so I'm really going to pay attention to it. I looked up how much I weigh in kg and it's 59.9kg a much larger loss than the day before yesterday. I know for a matter of fact i could have lost more than I did yesterday i was doing great i was at 300ish  calories I'd had 4 crackers 90cals 8 Cheetos 140 and a salad covered in sirachi hot sauce with 2 peppers 20 cals.  I never actually did the adding for it but I know I did super well until they brought home burger king.. and I ate a burger and some fries, not all the fries just some of the fries. I had the potential to lose another pound yesterday and i ruined it. I'm so angry, but I'm going to fix it today I am so sick of being over 125. I hate not feeling my ribs and my muscles.
Elle darling, for the cotton ball trick there is no certain cotton ball you must use. I'm not exactly sure about the safety I'm going to assume if you did it everyday it would probably be a problem. So maybe once a week for a few days would be alright. Now for the swallowing directions. I've found it's easiest to do when you cut the ball in half, or even fourths then dip it in water after that squeeze all the water out so that its smaller and easier to swallow. Then place it in the back of your throat, and swallow the cotton ball just like a pill take with water with water. You need to hurry and swallow at that point because as the cotton ball goes down your throat its going to expand and you-will-feel it. But if you keep drinking water at a fast pace it will go down more easily and faster. Take two or three cotton balls in the morning, and drink water occasionally throughout the day you will stay full ALL DAY LONG! But don't just take my word for it, do it and you'll see. :) I actually got this tip from a v-blog on Pretty Thin. A very long time ago. I also need to add from personal experience I've found it absolutely impossible to purge with them in your stomach so don't get bored and eat. There will be no excuse to eat anyway.
For the ladies with children, when you were pregnant did you dream about it? I've been dreaming about babies a lot.. I know I probably sound crazy but I'm still really worried about it.. Oh, lord..
I've decided we all have a goal starting the second you read this. We are going to lose a pound a day until December 25th, or Christmas. It really doesn't matter if you celebrate Christmas or not your doing this. I don't feel like we should have new year resolutions to lose a bunch of weight we should be thin for the pictures they are going to take of us on that day, and say something cute like oh I just want to find the perfect man or something adorable because we are already really thin. Don't you think that's a good idea? Lets do it!!!

Tah Tah For Now <3 Samantha

Tip 1

drink coffee it will quicken your metabolism!!

60.6kg

Look I'm aiming for 50kg by Saturday I'm going to work my ass off. Every time i lose 5kg I'm going to allow myself to size up my gauges. (: I'm not sure how much 5kg is anyway but like I said it seems appropriate. I'm going to try and lose 10kg before Saturday if that's even possible. I'm on a fast, just a water fast i feel like it's going to be way more efficient than having coffee and diet soda in there too. I feel like those are just big teases and i hate them with a burning passion for doing that. Anyway Saturday as I've announced already is in fact my Cheer competition. Where I will stand on a stage and do flips in a mini skirt. Now that I'm thinking about it I'm really scared and don't want to have to stand in front of hundreds of people doing that. Now that i'm fat I reallly don't want to have to do it... At all.... I wish i could just back out, i wish that the team didn't have to depend on me. I wish I wasn't so scared. Since i already cant sleep because of that I might as well make it harder by fasting right? Ha whatever i'd rather be an insomniac and skinny than fat and laughed at. There will be a 2 hour drive to Flordia for it and I'm assuming afterward they are going to want to go out to eat.. I am going to try as hard as I can to avoid that just say I'm so hyped on adrenaline that I have no appetite. I'll think of an excuse. Do you remember the cotton ball trick? If you cut a cotton ball in half and swallow both halfs maybe take 3 or four of them, it keeps you super full all day and has virtually no calories. Thats how I usually get through the first three days of a fast after that i'm good and can do it all by myself.

<3 Samantha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o39AxRZYHek

this is what I'm talking about when I say cheerleaders. Crazy shit like this. 

I am so goddamn scared 

look at the girl in the background. There is a reason she is in the background.

Is this taylor momsen? I think so xD

I lol'd because it's uneven xD

Sry for making fun of people but yeah oh I want to show you a cheer tastrophy too lol 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtxzfmAywAI&feature=related

I've seen this happen ^^^^^ believe it or not it happens A LOT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWGiRbMuTqM&feature=related

and this one is just badass lol

Molly Reid shut down.

So I know, I've been gone for almost a month. I apologize, I don't exactly have an excuse or good news. i never have good news damn. I want to go back to this summer when I was doing ubber well because I wasn't getting high. Fuck. Whatever I'm not going to be negative about this anyway.. Now that I'm here I just wanted to say O.M.G I MISS YOU LADIES! :') Okay now that that's been covered, I think Molly Reid is in recovery or simply got shut down. Her blog says "shut down" which really blows.. I dunno I wish my phone hadn't been stolen other wise I would text her and see what was going down. Last time I did talk to her that's what she said was that she was in recovery. I let her know I support her and if any of you followed her and had her number I suggest you text her and do the same. :) She could probably use a friend to help her along. Onto some other stuffs how were your Halloweens and thanksgivings? I'm still eating pie l.o.l... I had a slice this morning and a green apple along with Starbucks Christmas blend he he. Somebody set my scale to kg so its a pain in the ass to find out how much i weigh.. I'm 60.8 kg which is 133.8, and remember that's after the pie, the coffee and the apple. dammit if I hadn't eaten I would've been able to say I weighed less. Well fuck me side ways because now I am going to work my way down to 50kg (I don't even know how much that is and don't tell me okay?) It seems like ten pounds to me and I'm not going to check until I get there. SO don't tell! Oh, I have a cheer competition this weekend. Scary stuff bro.. Not to mention I started gauging my ears this weekend for those of you that don't know the sizes before 0g go like this 16g, 14g, 12g, 10g, 8g, 6g, 4g, 2g, 0g. Now that you know I'll explain where I am and what happened like an hour ago. I'm at a 10g which is kinda fast for somebody who just started gauging on Friday. I was cleaning my gauges not even 20minutes ago. I was using my 8g tapers to make sure my ears didn't close during the 15 minute ordeal. It was just an extra precaution, but one of them slid all the way through and I was all like FUCKKKK because that made one ear 8g and the other one 10g so then i tried to put the taper through the other one and sadface it wouldnt go so again I was like dammit. but then i put the 10's back in because its pretty ghetto to have 2 diff size gauges. Once again, I say sad faces because I was really excited to be an 8 beeeecauseeee that makes me 4 sizes away from my goal of 0, maybe i'll go to 00 (one size bigger than 0) just because I want to be able to put my pinky through my ear as well as a sharpie tehe. alright lovlies byebye.

<3 Samantha

this picture is so you know what the sizes look like when I talk about them

You guys make me laugh

I just have to say all the comments that have been left recently made so happy. I really hope this works I'm starting to really doubt the whole pregnancy thing but you can never be too safe ya know? As for the loss of babies that was unintended I'm so sorry..
But I do need to add I will never be a "15 and pregnant" Also in the post I added 5 minutes ago before this one I forgot to put what was running through my mind last nigh. I was laying in bed, punching scratching my stomach and stuff when it hit me, no pun intended. I am a teenager this is the best time of my life this is the time I am supposed to be the most beautiful I only get this one chance for it this one opportunity to be my best so why ruin that you know? Oh i think it's too late for the day after pill now I think.. Not to mention im broke. Whoops, whatever not the point off topic sorry. So that was really motivating for me to think okay this is my one chance my one life my one day that I will be 15 years and 193 days old. I will never be 15 years and 193 days ever again. EVER!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? This day is the one day that I get this day and thats what has me motivated is that today can be constructive towards tomorrow. I'm making today constructive towards tomorrow. Now I know that I will be high tonight because my friend got this really great kush for her birthday yesterday and being her best friend she is smoking it with me. I can't decide if that's good or bad.. I just don't know. It's good and bad, its a sword with a handle but i'm holding it by the blade. So I need to be careful so I don't cut myself and fill the cut with fatty foods. That's a really bad metaphor for sam needs to be careful tonight so she doesn't eat she needs to hold the sword by the handle and cut the fat off her bones. Hey that made sense I'm so proud of myself (: I'm in such a fantastic mood I am soooooooo happy <3 you all you are allllll just soo amazing (: Don't forget to read the post I just posted right before this one!

<3 Sam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I'm going to assume. -1.4. It's 3:00pm here

I think since I posted last that I've lost 1.4lbs. I think I was 130 then and today I was disappointed when I was 128.6. What is it with the .6 all the time! I can never just be a flat 128, 127,126,125,124,123,122,121,120. Ever It's always .6 fuck you point six you are my nemesis and I will kill you! Te he, I am in a very okay mood I realized I sort of have to eat but just a little bit not much. So today I've had diet mountain dew, black coffee, and 1 green apple. Everyone is always like yeah those help you lose weight and keep you filled up. I will take there word for it and if I rid of .6 today then I'll be a happy camper. I'm going to work out today (secretly). I think I really do need to beat the .6 and I really hate being over 125 at all it makes me feel super fat. But we all already know the mission in this whole thing. I found these videos online of this anorexic in recovery, she is doing a terrible job her first video she was normal (just out of rehab) then the next video she is 20lbs lighter... I'm sorry but you don't just lose 20lbs in a few weeks without an eating disorder. Anyway she has some great tips and she really helped me. My favorite tip is just taking a deep breath and just asking yourself, why am I about to eat? Usually you aren't hungry. If you are wait for 15 minutes make yourself do something productive and then after you've finished that you usually aren't hungry you are busy and can think of things to do that aren't eating. If you wait 15 minutes again then thats more time thats gone by with out you eating. When you do eat, eat in moderation. Put a small amount of food on your plate and leave some there too, never eat everything on your plate that's just ridiculous. As we all know we should set a time that we absolutely cannot eat after her tips help you to not binge at night, and just not binge ever. I really love it I'm going to put her video up down here..

<3 ya'll Sam.

I spoke too soon I can't find her videos anymore wtf? okay whatever Happy starving!

Research is a scary thing.

I just realized I had sex (an hour ago) on the most fertile day I possible could have in my entire life. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! dammit cuss word, bad word, swear word, fuck. I also failed to use protection again. Then I did some research and what do you know, I am an idiot. Want to know the first thing that popped in my head when I read that? Fucking starve yourself. Even if I am prego, starving myself will kill it. So don't eat don't worry. I'm just trying to think about this, because if I don't get a period due to pregnancy but I'm also not eating and I don't get one because of that then I'm screwed. Oh and I'm not talking like ABC bullshit where you eat a little here and there. No I'm talking like fucking starve Ethiopian style. It's not about weight it's about death. So I doon't give a rat's ass food isn't in my life. I am soooooo scared because (and I hate to be so graphic about this) but the whole pull out thing wasn't exactly, well completely pulled out ya know? lol IDK how to put that, if you get it then you get it if not then oh well. But I could r

<3 Scared Sam

  

this barbie doesnt have babies

So I need to add that I'm an idiot and at least 100 lbs thats what I need to be to get semi under weight thats when I will be able to start the ABC and get thinner ya know? Yes you know, okay then. I have no idea how much I weigh btw. But its not for long I have to fix what I may have broken in the next month or two. Otherwise im fucked.

Fucking sex.

I had sex with this guy, and I feel so fat. I also feel like a whore and I feel stupid. He has a girlfriend but now he is breaking up with her. That would be my fault, he also is the best I've ever had So i cant say I have a huge problem with it. Because it was great but it does bug me that I enjoyed it so much. I mean it was fantastic but I'm fat so today is day 1. its 3:30, and like I always say I cant get my hopes up. I'm assuming I've already hit 500 so thats it for me. I'm choking down a diet mountain dew yummy, and i have my 2 liter of water again as well so I will be okay today. Oh so the kid i had sex with is 18, I am 15. That, is bad. I'm terrible right? I know. I think I'm like 135.. Ewww I have been eating normally which I'm actually going to say is good because its going to trick my metabolism. Oh and I have a gag reflex that is just making me throw up all the time. All the time, every day actually xD we even got it on video when i was really stoned I'll see if i can get it from my friend and post it. I'll try but since I'm back to ABC, I was a rape victim for halloween that was so cool. I was scaring little kids left and right. Even people who knew me were freaking out. And random people would look at me and scream it was FANTASTIC! Anyway I feel like a worthless slut sooo yeah fail on me. <3 Sam

Because I got high...

I gained, well I'm 130 today. I figured because I suck so much that I'll go back to the day I messed up on ABC and start from there. So today is ABC day 4.. I'm fixing what i fucked up. I took one of those lax, they arent doing anything. I also have to credit some of that weight gain to my period. Most of it though goes to the entire cake i ate... alone. Today I am supposed to hit 400 cals? I tried but every time i eat I purge from guilt. I can kind of see anorexic traits in my life style. Like the first thing I do in the morning is pee, then weigh. After that I make my bed, do the dishes, do laundry, finish cleaning the kitchen, have a cigarette, take my medicine with water or coffee depending on what I weighed that morning, school, more liquids, more cigarettes, more school. It seems pretty normal for a 15 year old right? Yeah, but today I had to wear baggy clothes because all of the clothes I have just make me look fatter except the baggy ones that kind of slim me up to less fat ya know? I think sometimes, okay Sam you have a problem, but then i go seriously your too fat to have any problem except rolls and rolls of fat sitting on your hips, arms, thighs *ugh* and that second voice always wins because I mean why wouldn't it we all know that the second voice is right. So I have some people coming in this week, Wednesday grandma and her boyfriend. Thursday this guy i had a thing with back in AZ he is coming to visit my brother. then Friday my mom comes home from Florida. my house is going to be so fucking full. but i can tell this is all going to be so damn awkward i am so fat i don't want any of them to see me, specifically T.J. i'm so ashamed i just want to bury myself alive.

124.6 this morning.

So it's the middle of day 4, I'm still doing great in the Ana Boot Camp. I'm a little light headed and this morning had a a quick heart beat but that's okay. I realized after the first two days its really easy to just say no. Originally I wanted to lose 8 lbs in the first 11 days I think it might just happen, maybe more if I get lucky. The 11th day is Halloween so by that day I would really like to be under 120. If I keep losing weight as steadily as I am (because I have a lot of fat to get rid of) I might be 116.6 by then? Which is just half a pound over what my first goal weight. I've noticed all of my goal weights are people xD. The first is my friend Ana, she weighs 116 (obviously). The second is Alycia at 105, the third is Kara at 97. Oh I found this model that is 5'6" and 100 pounds she is still curvy and stuff so that's good that I wont be noticeably emaciated if I get there. Oh I should tell you, all of the girls that I want to be thinner than are 2 inches taller than me.. I know this whole post is all over the place and for that I really do apologize. Oh the cheer uniform tops came in, mine is so tight and everybody else's are super baggy, its going to look so nasty during competition I think the competition is right after I finish ABC lol. I hope I don't pass out at practice that would be interesting, my anorexic coach would be all Samm you have  a serious problem, and I'd be all like STFU look whose talking. Then I would get kicked off the team and that would suck because I would get bored a lot. At least I would have my uniform and stuff and be able to see my dad.  Who I miss, whoa all of a sudden I'm seeing black dots ha ha ha kind of interesting. I could just fall asleep right now xD. Like I've been saying every time I post, I don't want to get too excited about ABC because I don't know how this is going to work out. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I was following one of you who was doing ABC but you didn't know your weight but i think you only lost like 25lbs? If thats the case for me when I end ABC I'll do the skinny girl diet. I think I would prefer not to be hospitalized because I don't want to have to get fat again! I am working really hard to melt my fat ass. OH! So i have 3 laxatives left? I am saving one for Thanksgiving definitely  i just don't know when I'm taking the other two? Maybe one the day before Halloween so I could be that half pound thinner if I am just really close to my gw #1. I know I am going to work out hardcore before just to try and lose more than a pound a day. It's starting to get on my nerves that this is sooooo damn slow! But I know slow and steady wins the race. It's just so fucking annoying!  I am so tired haa, and this is such a random and boring post that I'm sure you guys are all like shut the front door sam I'm getting tired of your rambling. I noticed I have a new follower so thats pretty neat! Hello new followers Welcome! As for the old followers thanks for being here (: Thinspo today? I think yes 

<3Samantha

125.6 this morning, day 3

So, I'm kind of proud of myself! Not too proud just kind of proud. I've lost two pounds in two days which I suppose everybody does all the time but I just think its going pretty well I won't be able to weigh myself tomorrow morning because I am sleeping over at a friends so Sunday morning I'm hoping to be 123.6 we shall see. I'm going to try really hard not to get high this weekend because I always get really bad munchies especially when i'm doing crash diets. Today I get 300 calories, tomorrow, 400 and Sunday 100. I'm excited to see how this works out. I will persevere I have so much to prove. Oh so yesterday I was Skyping with my best friend when I told her how much I weigh she was fucking pissed. She has always been thinner than me because she just has one of those fast metabolisms. She usually was about 115 through junior high and freshman year of high school. It caught up to her :D it's sick to think that I'm happy about that but she is on weight watchers now eating a whole fucking 1200 calories a day. On the ABC I barley eat that in a week.. Anyway she is 165.... she is two inches taller than me at 5' 8" which makes her BMI 25.1 which is barley overweight but still overweight. I am 5'6" at 125.6 (today) BMI 20.3! big difference I'm really glad actually (: oh I decided my new GW is 95 because my friend Alycia is perfect actually she has a little belly in my eyes even though she is 5'8" too. I wanted to weigh less than her, and i have a friend Kara who is 97 pounds so I figured what the hell lets shoot for 95 Just so I know that I'm the thinnest. BTW I miss your comments.

<3 Samantha

me by Halloween

Me by December 13th