oh god!

I was going to do this thing where I eat healthy for a while and hopefully lose a few pounds everyday. That was until this guy I've liked for years got a webcam and wanted me to Skype with him now I have to stop eating. I cant be fat for him. I've told him about me ED and I cant let it look like I'm some attention whore. I need to get to 125 this weekend. Today I've had Green Beans but that's not that bad like 100 cals. Those things are ridiculously low in calories. Oh my god I am so scared!  This can't happen! This can't happen! Oh my god this is happening I cant let this happen! If you can't tell I'm fucking freaking out!!!!!!! I'm so fat and the longest i can stall this is until Monday I have to really not eat...

Water fast started at 1pm

I'm really only making this a short term fast. Two days is all that I'm really asking myself to do right now. Hopefully I can do at least that. I'm aiming to drink a glass of water on the hour every hour until I end it. Dehydratation is the reason my fast didn't work last time and because I got high. There is another reason that I'm starting this fast, it's not just to challenge myself but its also a smoking weed fast. Every time I smoke I eat so I will not do that to myself. Not again.. When will I learn that I simply cannot do it? That I am just one of those people who eats a lot when they smoke and that in order for me to be thin I not only have to quit eating but I have to quit smoking weed. </3

Weird fast okay? <3

Oh and if I make it there I may consider extending it depending on how I feel.

Meditative fast. Back to 131.4lbs.

So I've just finished meditating and I feel enlightened. Every time I almost get aggravated I realize what I can do to make it better. In meditating I experienced visual ways of breaking down my barriers. I literally saw myself sitting in a white room in what you would probably imagine as the position of Buddha. Inside this endless room there I sat surrounded by a wall, when I realized that that wall has been whats stopping me from achieving the things I want most.  Something emerged from me I would call it my spirit. Suddenly my spirit broke out of my body, and floated to the top of the barrier I was surrounded by. Brick, by brick I broke the barrier. Slowly and steadily, I haven't finished yet but what I saw on the other side was beautiful. There I was smiling, and glowing. I had found myself, and found the happiness that was lost.  Sitting next to me there was a tool box, instead of being normal tools; these tools were special, each of them had different qualities that I could choose to add to myself in order to form the me that I want to be.They were unlimited, anything I could think of was right before me courage, independence, self control, and honesty among an assortment of others. So the part of my spirit that had been breaking down the barrier picked up the tools and began carving, sanding, and tightening.I was able to add all of the tattoo's and piercing that I want and know that they are beautiful. An important thing I found was that the meditating didn't make me want to eat. It gave me the tools I need to become thin, and achieve my goals in the time that I want. I wasn't discouraged by myself at all. In fact the idea was welcomed because it would make me happy. Anything that is positive in my eyes is  more than welcome.  As I continue to build my character I can also display my inner peace on the outside through a spiritual fast. I learned that instead of focusing on simply not eating: I can replace my food with spiritual enlightenment. That I can feed off of universal energy instead of using a physical energy, by that I mean food. I am so excited to continue my meditation and to watch myself grow and learn. I'm able to encourage myself using the tools I know I already have. The tools I have had, and I just didn't know until I broke the barrier. There is still more of it to see on the other side. I'm more than excited to find out exactly who I am. I strongly encourage you to at least try meditation, it's not any specific religion only inner peace. Remember to inhale positive energy, and exhale negative energy and thoughts. Inhale self control, and exhale the guilt you feel around food. It's that simple, you don't need a lot of time. Personally I would love to meditate constantly, but I do have to live in the real world sometimes.(: I'm excited to share more, and hopefully influence you in a positive way. One last thing, I found a second me standing to the left of the me with the tool box. She was a cartoon super hero, when I asked her what her super power was she flew above the earth spread her arms. Suddenly the earth was surrounded by a blue aura and she said "to love." Amazing that all of that has been inside me and I never knew.

<3 Samantha

so i got high 137.4? wwtf..

So i woke up after the stoenr binge weighed and cried. then i went to my competition and I didnt eat much today althought the things i did eat were bad choices. some cookie dough, three french toast sticks, and some chips or and a rockstar idk if that counts whatever.. then i took adderal and now im going to bed hopefully to wake up even just a little but lighter. hopefully.

<3 Samantha

i lost 6.4 pounds yesterday!!!!

I'm a little kid on christmas right now!! 130 TODAY AND IM ON MY PERIOD! I didnt break a sweat yesterday at all. now i can barely go up the stairs now but it feels amazing! nobodies home right niw so i figure i should go waste some food and dirty a lot of plates and have my coffee! yayayayayayayayayay! I will be 108 very soon. By febuary for sure! I need to remember to drink tons of water today because im not in the mood to die fat lol. im getting back on track and ill be in the high 120's tomorrow for the first time since novemberrrrrr  i wish i could jump up and down and scream without exhausting myself. i completely forgot how amazing the feeling of control is. now. I am by no means thin yet but I am ready to be and am going to work as hard as i can. eeek ill post back a little later today. lots of thinspo down there vvv

No food yet today! YAY!

So, I didn't sleep last night due to a huge amount of stress and I'm preparing myself for a death very soon. I just lost any sort of appetite but I'm excited to see how long I can make it last. I weighed with clothes on after coffee this morning even though I had had some special k around midnight and I was 136.4 Even though its a small loss its still a loss and I'm looking at it in the most positive way I can. I've also decided since I'm going to going back to Utah and I will have to put up with my judge mental family, that I must! Must be 108 just like the girl skeeter from that movie the help. Ill post her before and afters. I know I always say that I'm going to lose buku weight and never do because i get high but I gave that up because I'm so much happier without it. I'm so motivated and life just comes easily to me the way it used to.. Oh, and the reason i used skeeter as a example was because we are the same height and I believe with all my heart that I can be that weight if she can and i have a perfect reason now. i want to prove my family wrong I want to show them how beautiful I am and that no matter how discouraging they are I will rise above! Always. Plus My friend Anna has this dress she bought that is super tight and black and if I want to use it as a funeral dress or something. Ill let them call me a skank whatever they want but i am going to rock their world because I am beautiful inside and out and they better be jealous!!!! I'm in such a positive mood! You should do the same..

Now it's 8pm and I've had a glass of milk, so thats awesome I'm really proud of myself and determined not to mess this up!

<3 I  love you guys so much

Samantha

here's skeeter vvvvv

before

after vvv

huge difference I love it!

Old photo's

SO this summer when I was oh say, 120.6 I had awesome bags under my eyes that i now look at as if they were badges. It only took a week or so to get there (120.6). Oh and I have a new reason to not eat. My step mom has had breast cancer for about 7 years now. She went through kemo and all that jazz. She had a Double masectamy (I def. didn't spell that incorrectly.) It's where they cut your boobs off, in case you didn't know. But guess what! Afters half a million dollars in doing that it didn't work. Instead it spread to her... wait for it. Brain! But not just that! Her Bones! OH and we cannot forget her lymphnoids! So a few weeks ago her heart stopped and my dad recesitated her. Then called the ambulance. She was pissed. She is literally just waiting to die. Now I am quitting cheer so I can go spend time with her and my step siblings before that entire part of my life dissapears. Fuck cancer I'm going to kill it.! Oh and did I tell you! I'm writing a book so now I have something to keep me occupied yay me. So last time I weighed I was 136.6 I hate that I am maintaining that what the hell. Fuck the world it is just not on good terms with me right now. So I guess what I'm saying is that as always i hate food and im going to stop. I really do and I want to be able to wear a super sexy dress to her funeral because in utah my whole family thinks im this fat bitch. I'm like wtf? whatever. I have to prove them wrong I really really do. I have to be more perfect than my cousin. You know what I just thought about that would be super weird? what if one of my step brothers hit on me because im old enough now ewies. I dont think they would because we grew up together but could you imagine that?! wow i just noticed i type really quickly now because im a badass. No I just spend A LOT of time on the computer. Not to mention all through grade school starting in kindergarten they put these black covers over our keyboards so that we had to learn where all of the keys were. wohala! Now I can officially be one of those people in court that types every single word said and be a badass. Sorry Im in such a weird mood. Oh and I cant sleep and I hate it. I don't know why. Now im just sort of rambling on. SO do you think I can be 115 by the time i go to utah? it must happen i have a lot to prove to everybody that knows me there. and to myself  I've felt like i had to puke a lot but I dont really actually do it my stomach is just upset. Also i was thinking! We go all night long without food why can we never double thaat and just fast. Hey knew Idea!! Im going to see if I can fast but I have to remember and maybe I'll write the word utah on my wrists. Oh speaking of wrists i cut yesterday oops im not sure why. Sometimes I just get extremely suicidal and now I have to got to cheer looking like a cutter. people will notice because they are always all up in my buisiness but I think that i can put make up over it like I did before when i cut. Oh I just realized something. there is a three day rule to not eating that makes it so much easier. so just eat nothing for three days and then you just magically dont even want food. oh and the second you do put food in  your mouth its terrible because then you want more and more blah blah blah. Sorry Im switching topics a lot and have absolutley really not a lot of good points nor am I maintaining any sort of flow I just dont care right now I have to get all of this out to somebody and you ladies are definatley the ones I want to get it out to. Do you think I will be able to finish my book? I sure hope so it's going to be called to hell and back tis about a heroine adict that breaks a promise to god, and breaks all of the ten commandments and god shows him all of the levels of hell in his dreams and lets him experience the pain. JD the main Character learns from each dream and eventually makes it to purgatory and recovers. I'm really hoping it will get some of my friends off of drugs and maybe I can leave some sort of effect on the world.

<3 samantha sry for the spelling errors and what not

135.0

I weighed in Friday morning, but I hadn't slept that night so i don't know if that's my real weight. I didn't weigh today before I had had something to drink. It's okay  though there is always tomorrow. I do think it's an interesting idea though. (: I just feel so fat ew. Whatever. I also feel like I could eat forever right now but I don't have anything to eat so that's good my parents really don't really bring a lot of food in the house. I dunno what to say so yeah.. bye

Sorry I haven't posted.

I don't even know what to say. I'm a little blue, a little more grey-blue. I can't sleep and I can't eat which is working to my advantage I suppose. I've gained and lost but since I haven't slept I don't know my actually weight.. I did weigh though, it came out to 136.4 or .6 I'm not sure I don't really remember. I guess since I don't really have anything to say I'll just tell you what I've eaten in the last two days.
Yesterday I had 2 pieces of toast, 3 glasses of milk, 1 and 1/2 bowls of captain crunch, and a piece of a piece of boiled chicken.
Today I've had half a fruit smoothie, a few Cheetos, and some coffee.
I guess that all adds up to quite a bit. Yesterday's intake was probably 600 cals and today's was most likely around 250. I don't plan on eating more today at all.  I am sooo fat. Although I do love my milk, and just drinking three glasses a day has helped me lose weight. I think it's due more to the fact that I'm lactose intolerant, not that I'm just drinking milk. Milk for me acts as more of a laxative. I think it's nice though because every time I drink milk within half an hour I need to visit the bathroom. Oh I guess I should tell you.. My mom drug tested me yesterday.. I used this trick I know to pass it (I've used this trick in a doctors office and they didn't know xD) Anyway I did pass, and my parents are so proud of me but I feel so guilty. I've never felt so bad in my life. My parents have NEVER said they were proud of me before now....  At least not this vocally. I'm a terrible-horrible person and that's why I'm fat. Only bad people are fat but I'm going to be good. I'm going to be thin beautiful and sweet. SO I think I like this guy but I don't actually now what a crush feels like anymore. Due to the fact that I'm still in what my friend Joey would call "a dark trust less shelter" whatever. Sometimes I think I could do better than him but other times I feel like I don't deserve him.

*sigh*  Samantha.

Summertime is coming quick.

136.6lbs.

Today I am 3lbs lighter than I was yesterday which is surprising, I really didn't expect more than a half pound of weight loss, especially because I cheated later on in the day with cookies. I wasn't exactly sure how to go about this diet at all. but I do know I made some great progress and said no to bad foods several times. I'm really excited about this diet and hope I can stay motivated to do it. I have a secret to tell you guys.. I got so big that my pants started to rip... in the thigh. I have no more pants to wear. I need to go shopping but I don't want to go when I just started my diet. In case I manage to lose a good amount of weight on this. My mom said it really works but when she stayed on it she lost hair because it was so hard! I want to lose 22lbs from where i am today it may take a few months but I'm still motivated and ready to work so we shall see.

<3 Samantha

she started 4lbs heavier than me and ended at my gw, she also is the same height.. 5'5"

Adkins. 139.6 HW..

So my mother, my wonderfully crazy mom flipped the fuck out at  me? I don't understand. I decided that I was doing Adkins with her because we've both agreed I need to lose weight. So I go in the kitchen and start making eggs and she says some bitchy comment about how I make them. In order to avoid any and all confrontation I decide to not make the food so i don't have to put up with this BS. Well because I didn't want to go through it she yelled at me for twenty minutes! Sat there and called me a bitchy hag (who the hell says hag) although that's not the point really. The point is that I can't even get a pan out without being told how stupid I am? I just don't get it. I a not a confrontational person and when people flip the fuck out like that for no reason its sort of scary i mean how in the hell is she still married if thats the way she wants to act.. I Don't get it.

Anyway starting the Adkins diet, no bread or sugar at all. I'm stuck with 20carbs a day which is virtually nothing and can be considered a crash diet, but I'm making it a life choice. The problem I'm going to have with today is before I decided I was starting a diet today I decided to have starbucks and by the rules of this diet you get 20carbs a day. Guess how many carbs are in Starbucks, guess. Alright its 46.5 the one that I had it was a skinny cinnomon dolce latte with soy lol. So now I'm ruined for the day I may have eggs later if my mom isnt such a bitch about it.

<3 whatever Samantha
 special shout out to -kes- thank you so much I really think your right

Soul sick.

I was being a Facebook stalker (because I'm a stupid loner) and I was looking at my ex boyfriends page. While I was on there, I saw that he took some girl to one of his dances. He refused to take, or let me go to dances. I wanted to scream! I missed out on important parts of my life to spend time with him and he does this! It's not like I'm dating him but he always said things like "dances are stupid, and a waste of money and time." I didn't know any better because of course I'd never been. Why? He wouldn't let me. It's been months since we've been together, over six months. I really have no reason to be outraged I just.. I feel betrayed. I loved him but he was just bad for me. Right now I'm trying to come to peace with our break up and trying to figure out why it was so unhealthy. I keep wanting to say "we" as if the two of us were still a couple. I want to move on. I've had sex since then. Meaningless sex but still sex. I've made out with other people. I've had a bit of a life since we broke up but it's all been meaningless. I need somebody there for me again. Not him, not like him. But men are scary I say this with the following in mind.. Men are sexy plain and simple. They are! But if their too strong physically they can do terrible things and make you do things your completely against. Or even make you do them out of fear.. Now if their mentally strong they can do the same thing very easily! Only with their mind. You follow? But the worst is when you love them and it happens. They abuse your love. I feel like that's what I have. Nothing. Just the debris left over from ground zero and I'm lying there underneath the ruble screaming for somebody to help for somebody to fix me. For somebody to save me from my life, but they aren't coming nobody is coming.. I'm stuck and my only way out is death. Figuratively. SO does this mean it's time for me to go through a sort of metamorphosis? Grow my own wings and fly out of the ruble into the sky, and find my potential. My confidence. My reason to be.

Oh, Gosh!

Linny, I think your right about the white letters. I never really noticed it too much because I'm not often looking at the actual page. Most of the time I'm on my dashboard. LOL. I think i'm going to have to look into a new style. But I have to write up the codes and everything for my new background. If anybody else has an idea about the page style format, or music. Let me know. Oh and if you know any thinspo music other than the song paper bag. i love that song but everybody uses it. It's boring. Also I'm thinking of redoing the thinspo page changing all the pictures, another thing I was thinking about was the trigger page. I kind of feel bad about that. SO I may look for some things without peoples faces or maybe just replace the entire page. Let me know what you think and anything you would like to see on my pages.
SO you know how I'm doing the ABC diet, well I did really well yesterday but today I forgot to weigh before i drank my coffee. I'm such an idiot so I'll weigh tomorrow! I'm hoping for 132, I have a party to go to tonight but I'm going to try as hard as i can to avoid it. Maybe say I'm just not in the mood for the cookies and candy and all that yucky stuff. I'm still having trouble with the whole say no to drugs issue, so if anybody has tips leme know!. ALSO I got a water bottttle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 EEEK it has a straw and it's purple and it's curved almost like it has a waist lol it's incentive to me! Oh I'm going to update my measurements next wednesday. I've been putting plastic wrap around my waist everyday in hopes that it makes it just a little but smaller. I feel like it's working but we shall see. Oh I put up the measurements of my body on the "mystats" page yesterday as well as a sort of guess at my weight and  a BMI. One last thing! Will you ladies please if you have a blog will you post the URL to mine on it? I'll return the favor just let me know who's done it. Oh and if you would like to submit anyof your favorite thinspo to see on my thinspo page then email it to me at sam.bell1@live.com   thanks so much!

<3 Samantha

I'm thinking about a re-design, also starting ABC

So, I'm going to start with ABC. All I know, even if I never finish ABC is I can do it one day at a time. I know it works because I've lost weight on it before and I know I could use the structure. All I have to do is stay sober! I just need to figure out how to do that..  I realized I get depressed and eat my feelings then realize what I've done and stop eating. But when i stop eating i need a mind altering thing to help me. I get high or buy drugs for it.. I then eat because I'm always thinking about food. I just have to distract myself. Stop talking to the people I get high with although I'm finding it very difficult to do. I can.
I want your opinion, should I re-design my site? Did you ladies like when I took the music off or do you think I should put it back? Do you want me to add new tabs with new things? I will update no matter what but i really want your opinion. After all this isn't only for me it's for you as well! So should i change the background to something a little more Ana related? I thought at first it would be a good idea because life is like one long road, and I thought that it symbolized taking you along for the trip. Go ahead and tell me what you think!
Oh, I'm going to go ahead and catch up on your blogs as much as I can. I used to read them everyday I just haven't felt the best about myself. I realized when I don't weigh in the morning and don't act as part of this community everyday I have a lot of trouble staying on track.
I'm mentally addicted to weed. Somebody please give me tips to quitting I don't know how to say no..

<3 PLEASE COMMENT! Samantha

What do these pictures mean to you? I'll talk about them in the next blog.

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